Stepparenting is like everything else in life--an evolution dependent on decisions made and circumstances encountered. My stepparenting journey has brought me to a circumstance I could never have imagined on the day I said "Yes" to my husband's marriage proposal: I am now a soon-to-be-grand-stepmom...or is it step-grandmom? I don't know. And frankly, it doesn't matter. After all, a rose by any other name...
Anyway, our culture often presents grandmotherhood as a very joyous time when a woman gets to spoil her grandchild and revel in the knowledge that her own child has now begun a new chapter and her legacy will live on in future generations. But such warm and fuzzy sentiments are not always the norm in a step-family situation.
Maybe things are different for stepmoms who have children of their own, but how exactly does a woman prepare herself to become a grandmother (of sorts) when she has never been a mother? I speak from experience when I say that nature does not help much in this situation. Think about it like this: We crawl before we walk; we learn our words before we make sentences; and we count before we can multiply. Certain things are supposed to happen in order. But then again, as most of you know, stepparenting has it's own sense of order. As far as I can tell, by definition, a stepmom exists because of some kind of disorder in her husband's previous relationship. Right off the bat, things are not exactly perfect. Don't get me wrong, many blended families make the best out of a bad situation, and I think we've done a pretty good job of that.
But when I got the news that my stepdaughter was pregnant, joy was NOT the predominant emotion. Acutally, I felt like I had been punched in the gut and slapped in the face at the same time! I never meant for this blog to be about my childlessness. I want it to be helpful in some way to other stepparents. But I'm discovering that stepmoms are much like infertile women: We all have different stories. Our challenges may not be the same, but we are bonded by the common knowledge that we have similar problems and similar pains. I just happen to be a childless stepmom.
I'll spare you the dramatic telling of my heartbroken reaction when my husband gave me the news that his 14-year-old daughter was pregnant. Simply put, I was devastated that an unwed minor was going to receive a gift that I--a happily married 37-year-old--had been persuing for over 10 years. And to add insult to injury, this was a girl who was going to be sleeping in my house on a regular basis. Yep! This was uncharted territory.
Lots of emotions and conversations and tears have passed since we got "the news". My stepdaughter and I have a brand new relationship; her brand new baby girl is due to make her entrance in less than a month; and I'm happy to say that I am truly looking forward to meeting her!
I'm still not exactly sure how I will fit into this baby's life, but I do know that I am still my husband's wife. And although my status as a mother remains uncertain, I am still his daughter's stepmom, which means that I am still here if she needs me. I am still here to contribute to her life in whatever positive way I can.
My sympathy and empathy go out to all of you who are going through particularly difficult situations in your stepparenting journey--and especially to all the other childless stepmoms out there. (I know I'm not the only one!) Just keep breathing and praying and remember: With God all things are possible!!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
A Pleasant Surprise
Many people recently celebrated Mother's Day. For several years now, this has been an extremely stressful holiday for me. Not only because I'm a stepmom, but also because I don't yet have any biological children. (Wow! Could that possibly sound any more clinical?) Anyway, I'm sure that I'm not the only stepmom who has felt the sting of disappointment on Mother's Day because you never really quite feel like a "real" mom. Whenever someone sends you the traditional greeting or attempts to honor you in some way, you often feel like a fraud because you haven't officially earned the noble title of "mother".
Obviously, this special day is no longer reserved for mothers in the traditional sense. Not sure what I mean? Well, next year, go to any store that sells cards and marvel at the variety of offerings. Basically, it boils down to the relationship between the "child" (whatever the age) and the mother or "mother-like figure" (whatever her title). In other words, if the special kids in your life recognize and respect your role in theirs, then you've been deemed worthy of being celebrated.
This year was special because both of my stepkids recognized me in their own special way. They will never know how much joy that gave me! Although stepmoms are becoming increasingly more common in our culture, our role is still difficult to fill and often fraught with stress. But if you have faith and do your best, you will be a positive part of your stepkids' lives.
If you're going through a rough patch and it seems like sometimes you just don't matter to your stepkids, take a deep breath (don't for get to exhale!), say a prayer, and hold on. Eventually, they will let you know they appreciate the mother-like things you do for them.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Reactions You Don't Understand
Imagine a snowy winter day. Your SK is 4 years old.
SM: It's cold outside. Put your coat on before you go out.
SK: (cheerfully) Ok!
Fast-forward 10 years...
SK: I'm going outstide.
SM: Don't forget your coat.
SK: I never wear a coat.
SM: It's 15 degrees out there...You were wearing one whenyou got here.
SK: I don't know where it is now.
SM: Well, go look for it.
SK: It doesn't fit me.
SM: So borrow one of mine or your Dad's.
SK: Nah...I'll just stay in. I don't really want to go out anyway.
(Now Dad walks in.)
Dad: Get your coat and go outside!!
SK: Ok.
Does any of this seem familiar? Maybe this is just a teen thing. Maybe your SK is testing your limits. Maybe he or she does the same thing with RM. Whatever else these converstions may be, they can extremely frutating to a SM.
You want to be a responsible parent, but you lack the built-in authority component that RPs (real parents) have. Stepparenting can be tough no matter what age the SKs are, but it might seem like they are challenging you on everything during the teen years. I mean, really, how difficult should it be to get a kid to wear a coat during winter?
In most cases, SKs seem to have an innate directive to please and submit to their RPs. They want their parents' approval, but in some cases, that means that they feel the need to NOT submit to you. It can be tough for kids to understand that it's ok to obey and (hopefully) even like their SPs--especially if their RPs don't get along with the SPs.
Why do they tell you they don't like spaghetti when you know they eat it frequently (and enjoy it) at their Mom's house?
Why don't they want to go bowling with you but then jump at the chance the first time Mom says "lets go"?
I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers because I don't. The psychology of stepfamilies is still a great mystery to me. Sometimes you will not understand why your SKs act and re-act the way they do, but it just might have more to do with your role as a SP rather than you as a person.
SM: It's cold outside. Put your coat on before you go out.
SK: (cheerfully) Ok!
Fast-forward 10 years...
SK: I'm going outstide.
SM: Don't forget your coat.
SK: I never wear a coat.
SM: It's 15 degrees out there...You were wearing one whenyou got here.
SK: I don't know where it is now.
SM: Well, go look for it.
SK: It doesn't fit me.
SM: So borrow one of mine or your Dad's.
SK: Nah...I'll just stay in. I don't really want to go out anyway.
(Now Dad walks in.)
Dad: Get your coat and go outside!!
SK: Ok.
Does any of this seem familiar? Maybe this is just a teen thing. Maybe your SK is testing your limits. Maybe he or she does the same thing with RM. Whatever else these converstions may be, they can extremely frutating to a SM.
You want to be a responsible parent, but you lack the built-in authority component that RPs (real parents) have. Stepparenting can be tough no matter what age the SKs are, but it might seem like they are challenging you on everything during the teen years. I mean, really, how difficult should it be to get a kid to wear a coat during winter?
In most cases, SKs seem to have an innate directive to please and submit to their RPs. They want their parents' approval, but in some cases, that means that they feel the need to NOT submit to you. It can be tough for kids to understand that it's ok to obey and (hopefully) even like their SPs--especially if their RPs don't get along with the SPs.
Why do they tell you they don't like spaghetti when you know they eat it frequently (and enjoy it) at their Mom's house?
Why don't they want to go bowling with you but then jump at the chance the first time Mom says "lets go"?
I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers because I don't. The psychology of stepfamilies is still a great mystery to me. Sometimes you will not understand why your SKs act and re-act the way they do, but it just might have more to do with your role as a SP rather than you as a person.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The More Things Change...
Before we really get into this week's post, let's have a refresher on some commonly used abbreviations:
DH = dear husband
SM = stepmom
SK(s) = stepkid(s)
SD = stepdaughter
SS = stepson
EX = ex-wife (or husband)
BM = birth-mother
RM = real mom
I guess that just about covers it, but I'll make note of any others I may use.
Now let's get on with it...
Here's a scene that may be familiar to some of you:
SM: Wow! You must really like ketchup! I've noticed you put it on just about everything.
SK: Yep! Ketchup's great! Me and my best friend always put it on stuff 'cause it makes everything better.
Before the next visit, SM discovers she and and DH are nearly out of ketchup. She makes a point to get a new bottle for SK. Two weeks later...
SM: Don't you want any ketchup? I put it out on the table for you.
SK: Yuck! I hate ketchup!!
SM: (apprehensively) That's not what you said last time. Are you feeling ok?
SK: Sure, I'm fine. I never really liked ketchup ever.
Granted, there are much bigger issues in the world of stepparenting than ketchup--or any food item for that matter--but to a SM who desperately wants to make her home a pleasant place for her SKs, having the right groceries on hand is a pretty big deal. You try to pay attention and listen for clues letting you know what they like and what they don't, but just when you think you've hit a home run, you hear the call loud and clear; "Foul Ball!"
What happend? Did you get the wrong brand? Did you misunderstand? It was only a week or two when you learned this new thing about your SK, but now the deal has changed. Think back...maybe you overlooked a clue. In the ketchup example, the clue may be "me and my best friend". If you were to do a little digging, you might uncover the fact that SK is no longer best friends with the ketchup loving kid. In fact, the two may have had a big falling out and now SK doesn't want anything to do with things that remind him of his former friend.
Changes in food preferences are just one obstacle you will likely encounter in your quest to please your SKs. You will do well to realize that those changes may have nothing whatsoever to do with you. (Then again, maybe they do...but we'll cover that next week.) Keep in mind that kids of all ages change their minds about so many things from one moment to the next. It's nice that you want to give them their "favorites", but don't be suprised when things change.
Of course you want to be considerate. Be aware of your SKs' allergies and phobias. No one wants any trips to the ER. But don't go out of your way to get that something special. In the long run, it may turn out to be no more than a passing fancy.
DH = dear husband
SM = stepmom
SK(s) = stepkid(s)
SD = stepdaughter
SS = stepson
EX = ex-wife (or husband)
BM = birth-mother
RM = real mom
I guess that just about covers it, but I'll make note of any others I may use.
Now let's get on with it...
Here's a scene that may be familiar to some of you:
SM: Wow! You must really like ketchup! I've noticed you put it on just about everything.
SK: Yep! Ketchup's great! Me and my best friend always put it on stuff 'cause it makes everything better.
Before the next visit, SM discovers she and and DH are nearly out of ketchup. She makes a point to get a new bottle for SK. Two weeks later...
SM: Don't you want any ketchup? I put it out on the table for you.
SK: Yuck! I hate ketchup!!
SM: (apprehensively) That's not what you said last time. Are you feeling ok?
SK: Sure, I'm fine. I never really liked ketchup ever.
Granted, there are much bigger issues in the world of stepparenting than ketchup--or any food item for that matter--but to a SM who desperately wants to make her home a pleasant place for her SKs, having the right groceries on hand is a pretty big deal. You try to pay attention and listen for clues letting you know what they like and what they don't, but just when you think you've hit a home run, you hear the call loud and clear; "Foul Ball!"
What happend? Did you get the wrong brand? Did you misunderstand? It was only a week or two when you learned this new thing about your SK, but now the deal has changed. Think back...maybe you overlooked a clue. In the ketchup example, the clue may be "me and my best friend". If you were to do a little digging, you might uncover the fact that SK is no longer best friends with the ketchup loving kid. In fact, the two may have had a big falling out and now SK doesn't want anything to do with things that remind him of his former friend.
Changes in food preferences are just one obstacle you will likely encounter in your quest to please your SKs. You will do well to realize that those changes may have nothing whatsoever to do with you. (Then again, maybe they do...but we'll cover that next week.) Keep in mind that kids of all ages change their minds about so many things from one moment to the next. It's nice that you want to give them their "favorites", but don't be suprised when things change.
Of course you want to be considerate. Be aware of your SKs' allergies and phobias. No one wants any trips to the ER. But don't go out of your way to get that something special. In the long run, it may turn out to be no more than a passing fancy.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Uncharted Territory
I've never been on the parenting side of teenage life, and frankly, it's been quite a while since I was a teenager. Are things really so different for my stepkids as compared to my youth? Sure! I never had a cell phone or social networking sites...and the public school system seems to have made a few changes (for the better?) since the '90s.
But I am reminded of a familiar saying: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." While things seem different on the surface, there are some things that remain as true now as they ever were. Kids need love, support, guidance, and assurance. Parents are not perfect. Stepparents don't always know how they fit in. Nobody gets it all right every time.
Depending on the age of your stepkids, they may or may not be able to understand these truths. Most kids seem to lack the patience and compassion to give themselves and others the benefit of the doubt. And on the other hand, parents either expect more out of their kids than what they themselves were able to accomplish, or they don't expect enough and their kids suffer the consequences.
Each day offers many opportunities to either screw up or to succeed. Every encounter with our stepkids is full of unknowns. They've had different experiences since their last visit with you. You have gained some wisdom (hopefully) from your past visits with them. But remember that each child is different, so just because your now college-age stepchild made certain mistakes at 16, you can't assume that his or her younger sibling will do likewise.
Hold fast to the tried and true constants in life and don't be afraid of the unknown. You just might be pleasantly suprised by what tomorrow brings.
But I am reminded of a familiar saying: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." While things seem different on the surface, there are some things that remain as true now as they ever were. Kids need love, support, guidance, and assurance. Parents are not perfect. Stepparents don't always know how they fit in. Nobody gets it all right every time.
Depending on the age of your stepkids, they may or may not be able to understand these truths. Most kids seem to lack the patience and compassion to give themselves and others the benefit of the doubt. And on the other hand, parents either expect more out of their kids than what they themselves were able to accomplish, or they don't expect enough and their kids suffer the consequences.
Each day offers many opportunities to either screw up or to succeed. Every encounter with our stepkids is full of unknowns. They've had different experiences since their last visit with you. You have gained some wisdom (hopefully) from your past visits with them. But remember that each child is different, so just because your now college-age stepchild made certain mistakes at 16, you can't assume that his or her younger sibling will do likewise.
Hold fast to the tried and true constants in life and don't be afraid of the unknown. You just might be pleasantly suprised by what tomorrow brings.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Farewell 2011
Ok, so I know I've been slacking lately, but here it is, the last post of 2011...
I hope you will come back in 2012 to see how things are progressing in my step-parenting journey. Like with most everything else in life, we learn from our experiences. Hopefully, I will not make the same mistakes next year, but I'm sure I will have new challenges.
My stepson just turned 16 and my stepdaughter will be 15 in the spring. They're not really "kids" anymore, so they'll be facing new challenges as well. I'm looking forward to seeing what the new year has in store for them and I hope I'll be able to help them along the way.
A stepparent's job is difficult to define and even harder to perform successfully. We can't really be their parents and we aren't supposed to be their friends. We're not blood relatives, but we ARE family. In a perfect world, we wouldn't even exist. But here we are, trying to educate like teachers, encourage like friends, and love like parents.
I'm reminded of seed, time, and harvest. Our seed is the effort we put forth to enrich the lives of our spouses' children. In time, we will reap the harvest, which hopefully will be abundantly blessed relationships with people who will be better for having known us.
I hope you will come back in 2012 to see how things are progressing in my step-parenting journey. Like with most everything else in life, we learn from our experiences. Hopefully, I will not make the same mistakes next year, but I'm sure I will have new challenges.
My stepson just turned 16 and my stepdaughter will be 15 in the spring. They're not really "kids" anymore, so they'll be facing new challenges as well. I'm looking forward to seeing what the new year has in store for them and I hope I'll be able to help them along the way.
A stepparent's job is difficult to define and even harder to perform successfully. We can't really be their parents and we aren't supposed to be their friends. We're not blood relatives, but we ARE family. In a perfect world, we wouldn't even exist. But here we are, trying to educate like teachers, encourage like friends, and love like parents.
I'm reminded of seed, time, and harvest. Our seed is the effort we put forth to enrich the lives of our spouses' children. In time, we will reap the harvest, which hopefully will be abundantly blessed relationships with people who will be better for having known us.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Nothing New
I know it's been a while since my last post. Honestly, I just haven't been too inspired on the subject of stepparenting lately. But that's got me thinking that perhaps, like most relationships, ours go through cycles and growth spurts.
When something new happens, it may take some time to learn and adjust, but eventually everything evens out again. And because we get better aquainted with eachother's personalities over time, we may no longer take issue with things that once drove us crazy. We learn to adapt and test the waters before getting in over our heads.
As the adult part of the equation, it's good for us to remember that youth--no matter what age--is trying and difficult. But that's not a bad thing. We learned from our trials and so with they. Let's just be patient in the mean time and realize there is really nothing new going on and the sun will rise again...and if it doesn't, nothing else will matter anyway.
When something new happens, it may take some time to learn and adjust, but eventually everything evens out again. And because we get better aquainted with eachother's personalities over time, we may no longer take issue with things that once drove us crazy. We learn to adapt and test the waters before getting in over our heads.
As the adult part of the equation, it's good for us to remember that youth--no matter what age--is trying and difficult. But that's not a bad thing. We learned from our trials and so with they. Let's just be patient in the mean time and realize there is really nothing new going on and the sun will rise again...and if it doesn't, nothing else will matter anyway.
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