Reactions You Don't Understand

Imagine a snowy winter day. Your SK is 4 years old.
SM: It's cold outside. Put your coat on before you go out.
SK: (cheerfully) Ok!

Fast-forward 10 years...
SK: I'm going outstide.
SM: Don't forget your coat.
SK: I never wear a coat.
SM: It's 15 degrees out there...You were wearing one whenyou got here.
SK: I don't know where it is now.
SM: Well, go look for it.
SK: It doesn't fit me.
SM: So borrow one of mine or your Dad's.
SK: Nah...I'll just stay in. I don't really want to go out anyway.
(Now Dad walks in.)
Dad: Get your coat and go outside!!
SK: Ok.

Does any of this seem familiar? Maybe this is just a teen thing. Maybe your SK is testing your limits. Maybe he or she does the same thing with RM. Whatever else these converstions may be, they can extremely frutating to a SM.

You want to be a responsible parent, but you lack the built-in authority component that RPs (real parents) have. Stepparenting can be tough no matter what age the SKs are, but it might seem like they are challenging you on everything during the teen years. I mean, really, how difficult should it be to get a kid to wear a coat during winter?

In most cases, SKs seem to have an innate directive to please and submit to their RPs. They want their parents' approval, but in some cases, that means that they feel the need to NOT submit to you. It can be tough for kids to understand that it's ok to obey and (hopefully) even like their SPs--especially if their RPs don't get along with the SPs.

Why do they tell you they don't like spaghetti when you know they eat it frequently (and enjoy it) at their Mom's house?

Why don't they want to go bowling with you but then jump at the chance the first time Mom says "lets go"?

I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers because I don't. The psychology of stepfamilies is still a great mystery to me. Sometimes you will not understand why your SKs act and re-act the way they do, but it just might have more to do with your role as a SP rather than you as a person.