Imagine a snowy winter day. Your SK is 4 years old.
SM: It's cold outside. Put your coat on before you go out.
SK: (cheerfully) Ok!
Fast-forward 10 years...
SK: I'm going outstide.
SM: Don't forget your coat.
SK: I never wear a coat.
SM: It's 15 degrees out there...You were wearing one whenyou got here.
SK: I don't know where it is now.
SM: Well, go look for it.
SK: It doesn't fit me.
SM: So borrow one of mine or your Dad's.
SK: Nah...I'll just stay in. I don't really want to go out anyway.
(Now Dad walks in.)
Dad: Get your coat and go outside!!
SK: Ok.
Does any of this seem familiar? Maybe this is just a teen thing. Maybe your SK is testing your limits. Maybe he or she does the same thing with RM. Whatever else these converstions may be, they can extremely frutating to a SM.
You want to be a responsible parent, but you lack the built-in authority component that RPs (real parents) have. Stepparenting can be tough no matter what age the SKs are, but it might seem like they are challenging you on everything during the teen years. I mean, really, how difficult should it be to get a kid to wear a coat during winter?
In most cases, SKs seem to have an innate directive to please and submit to their RPs. They want their parents' approval, but in some cases, that means that they feel the need to NOT submit to you. It can be tough for kids to understand that it's ok to obey and (hopefully) even like their SPs--especially if their RPs don't get along with the SPs.
Why do they tell you they don't like spaghetti when you know they eat it frequently (and enjoy it) at their Mom's house?
Why don't they want to go bowling with you but then jump at the chance the first time Mom says "lets go"?
I'm not going to pretend to have all the answers because I don't. The psychology of stepfamilies is still a great mystery to me. Sometimes you will not understand why your SKs act and re-act the way they do, but it just might have more to do with your role as a SP rather than you as a person.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The More Things Change...
Before we really get into this week's post, let's have a refresher on some commonly used abbreviations:
DH = dear husband
SM = stepmom
SK(s) = stepkid(s)
SD = stepdaughter
SS = stepson
EX = ex-wife (or husband)
BM = birth-mother
RM = real mom
I guess that just about covers it, but I'll make note of any others I may use.
Now let's get on with it...
Here's a scene that may be familiar to some of you:
SM: Wow! You must really like ketchup! I've noticed you put it on just about everything.
SK: Yep! Ketchup's great! Me and my best friend always put it on stuff 'cause it makes everything better.
Before the next visit, SM discovers she and and DH are nearly out of ketchup. She makes a point to get a new bottle for SK. Two weeks later...
SM: Don't you want any ketchup? I put it out on the table for you.
SK: Yuck! I hate ketchup!!
SM: (apprehensively) That's not what you said last time. Are you feeling ok?
SK: Sure, I'm fine. I never really liked ketchup ever.
Granted, there are much bigger issues in the world of stepparenting than ketchup--or any food item for that matter--but to a SM who desperately wants to make her home a pleasant place for her SKs, having the right groceries on hand is a pretty big deal. You try to pay attention and listen for clues letting you know what they like and what they don't, but just when you think you've hit a home run, you hear the call loud and clear; "Foul Ball!"
What happend? Did you get the wrong brand? Did you misunderstand? It was only a week or two when you learned this new thing about your SK, but now the deal has changed. Think back...maybe you overlooked a clue. In the ketchup example, the clue may be "me and my best friend". If you were to do a little digging, you might uncover the fact that SK is no longer best friends with the ketchup loving kid. In fact, the two may have had a big falling out and now SK doesn't want anything to do with things that remind him of his former friend.
Changes in food preferences are just one obstacle you will likely encounter in your quest to please your SKs. You will do well to realize that those changes may have nothing whatsoever to do with you. (Then again, maybe they do...but we'll cover that next week.) Keep in mind that kids of all ages change their minds about so many things from one moment to the next. It's nice that you want to give them their "favorites", but don't be suprised when things change.
Of course you want to be considerate. Be aware of your SKs' allergies and phobias. No one wants any trips to the ER. But don't go out of your way to get that something special. In the long run, it may turn out to be no more than a passing fancy.
DH = dear husband
SM = stepmom
SK(s) = stepkid(s)
SD = stepdaughter
SS = stepson
EX = ex-wife (or husband)
BM = birth-mother
RM = real mom
I guess that just about covers it, but I'll make note of any others I may use.
Now let's get on with it...
Here's a scene that may be familiar to some of you:
SM: Wow! You must really like ketchup! I've noticed you put it on just about everything.
SK: Yep! Ketchup's great! Me and my best friend always put it on stuff 'cause it makes everything better.
Before the next visit, SM discovers she and and DH are nearly out of ketchup. She makes a point to get a new bottle for SK. Two weeks later...
SM: Don't you want any ketchup? I put it out on the table for you.
SK: Yuck! I hate ketchup!!
SM: (apprehensively) That's not what you said last time. Are you feeling ok?
SK: Sure, I'm fine. I never really liked ketchup ever.
Granted, there are much bigger issues in the world of stepparenting than ketchup--or any food item for that matter--but to a SM who desperately wants to make her home a pleasant place for her SKs, having the right groceries on hand is a pretty big deal. You try to pay attention and listen for clues letting you know what they like and what they don't, but just when you think you've hit a home run, you hear the call loud and clear; "Foul Ball!"
What happend? Did you get the wrong brand? Did you misunderstand? It was only a week or two when you learned this new thing about your SK, but now the deal has changed. Think back...maybe you overlooked a clue. In the ketchup example, the clue may be "me and my best friend". If you were to do a little digging, you might uncover the fact that SK is no longer best friends with the ketchup loving kid. In fact, the two may have had a big falling out and now SK doesn't want anything to do with things that remind him of his former friend.
Changes in food preferences are just one obstacle you will likely encounter in your quest to please your SKs. You will do well to realize that those changes may have nothing whatsoever to do with you. (Then again, maybe they do...but we'll cover that next week.) Keep in mind that kids of all ages change their minds about so many things from one moment to the next. It's nice that you want to give them their "favorites", but don't be suprised when things change.
Of course you want to be considerate. Be aware of your SKs' allergies and phobias. No one wants any trips to the ER. But don't go out of your way to get that something special. In the long run, it may turn out to be no more than a passing fancy.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Uncharted Territory
I've never been on the parenting side of teenage life, and frankly, it's been quite a while since I was a teenager. Are things really so different for my stepkids as compared to my youth? Sure! I never had a cell phone or social networking sites...and the public school system seems to have made a few changes (for the better?) since the '90s.
But I am reminded of a familiar saying: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." While things seem different on the surface, there are some things that remain as true now as they ever were. Kids need love, support, guidance, and assurance. Parents are not perfect. Stepparents don't always know how they fit in. Nobody gets it all right every time.
Depending on the age of your stepkids, they may or may not be able to understand these truths. Most kids seem to lack the patience and compassion to give themselves and others the benefit of the doubt. And on the other hand, parents either expect more out of their kids than what they themselves were able to accomplish, or they don't expect enough and their kids suffer the consequences.
Each day offers many opportunities to either screw up or to succeed. Every encounter with our stepkids is full of unknowns. They've had different experiences since their last visit with you. You have gained some wisdom (hopefully) from your past visits with them. But remember that each child is different, so just because your now college-age stepchild made certain mistakes at 16, you can't assume that his or her younger sibling will do likewise.
Hold fast to the tried and true constants in life and don't be afraid of the unknown. You just might be pleasantly suprised by what tomorrow brings.
But I am reminded of a familiar saying: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." While things seem different on the surface, there are some things that remain as true now as they ever were. Kids need love, support, guidance, and assurance. Parents are not perfect. Stepparents don't always know how they fit in. Nobody gets it all right every time.
Depending on the age of your stepkids, they may or may not be able to understand these truths. Most kids seem to lack the patience and compassion to give themselves and others the benefit of the doubt. And on the other hand, parents either expect more out of their kids than what they themselves were able to accomplish, or they don't expect enough and their kids suffer the consequences.
Each day offers many opportunities to either screw up or to succeed. Every encounter with our stepkids is full of unknowns. They've had different experiences since their last visit with you. You have gained some wisdom (hopefully) from your past visits with them. But remember that each child is different, so just because your now college-age stepchild made certain mistakes at 16, you can't assume that his or her younger sibling will do likewise.
Hold fast to the tried and true constants in life and don't be afraid of the unknown. You just might be pleasantly suprised by what tomorrow brings.
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