The Tricky Middle Ground

Happy February Part-time Steps!

I just wanted to discuss one of the more delicate aspects to this unique position we are in. What should we do when we get stuck in the middle of a he said-she said-they said situation?

Being the "outsiders", sometimes we view certain encounters more objectively than the spouse, the children, or the ex, but what do you do when your opinion really isn't wanted? It's very tough to "stay out of it" when you think you can bring peace to a situation, but the middle ground can very quickly turn into a land mine full of unexpected emotional explosions. This can be especially true when it comes to disciplinary situations.

Examine your position: You are not the biological parent. The custodial parent has already conditioned the children to certain behavioral/disciplinary patterns. The non-custodial parent, who also happens to be your spouse, may be facing conflicting emotions regarding his (or her) actions.
As a general rule, I am often on the same page as my husband when it comes to parenting issues, although we are not often in a position to exercise disciplinary situations since we do not have any children together at this time. But when it comes to his children, I need to remember that things are different.

If a situation requiring disciplinary action has occurred, I make a point to discuss the details with my husband--especially if the matter is serious. If I am with the kids when my husband can't be with us, I take a very cautious approach to correction.
It has taken me a while to realize that the kids may do something when they are with me that I feel requires correction, but is perfectly acceptable when they are with their mother.

Sometimes I really want to "lay down the law", but then I remember that they are not my children. For the most part, unless the kids are being destructive or disrespectful in my home, I am pretty lenient. If discipline is necessary, checking in with my husband is always the best bet. We may not always agree on the best course of action, but in the end, they are his children and I will yeild to his wishes.

Admittedly, the ex is not always in agreement with my husband's disciplinary actions either. And although I support my husband, it is not my place to intervene on his behalf when the ex takes issue with his actions. This is a lesson I am in the process of learning. As much as I care for the well-being of those kids, their raising is the responsibility of their mother and their father.

But remember part-time steps, we are in a position to influence the children, one way or another! Perhaps we'll discuss that next time...

God Bless