When to Speak Up

While a stepmom must often remind herself that the kids in her life are the responsibility of their dad and their "real" mom, there are times when she feels that something important should be said. The key word there being "important". Unfortunately, there are no rules set in stone telling us what qualifies.

Sometimes I can tell when there has been a major breakdown in communication between my husband, his ex, and the kids. For example: He tells the kids about plans for the next visit, but he doesn't tell his ex. The kids don't tell her either. The ex makes other plans. When the next visit comes around, everyone is confused and possibly aggravated. Unnecessary drama ensues. When things like that happen, I will discuss my observations with my husband. But timing is everything! Usually I have to wait until the dust settles and then I will gently make suggestions on how similar problems might be avoided in the future.

Every situation will be different. How and when you intervene will depend on the personalities of the others involved, as well as the level of danger to the kids' well-being. Don't be afraid to speak up right away if you sense that the kids will be in harm's way or if they are getting involved in something illegal. You may pick up on these things quicker than parents who see their kids through rose-colored glasses.

More often than not, it is best to discuss your concerns with your husband and let him decide how to confront his ex. Perhaps he can deal with the problem on his own. Butting in just to make yourself heard will often do more harm than good.