As If They Were My Own

I have often said that I treat my stepkids like I would treat my own children. Perhaps that is not an accurate assertion. The fact is, I don't know exactly how I would treat my own children because I don't have any yet. It would be more truthful to say that I treat my stepkids the way I THINK I would treat my own.

Why is it important to acknowledge this subtle difference? It is possible that I might be much more forgiving or indulgent toward my own biological offspring--especially since I would be an older first-time mom. Then again, my age might provide me with the wisdom to know better than a younger mom when it is ok to indulge or pamper and when it is necessary to say "no" and stand firm.

But since step relationships are completely different from natural ones, comparing parenting techniques is not helpful. The only situation that calls for careful attention to this matter is when a stepmom is parenting both her stepkids and her natural children at the same time. For example, if you are on a family outing, it would not be wise to let your own children indulge in foods that your stepkids are not allowed to eat. You can explain to your kids why certain rules may change when the stepkids are visiting so that everyone is on the same page.

Try to be mindful of their custodial parents' preferences, especially if they are stricter than you. If your stepkids are used to a much more liberal environment, have your spouse discuss with them why certain activities are not allowed in you home. Your spouse's ex may tolerate aggression and foul language, but you don't. Neither you nor your spouse can control how the kids are treated in their "other" home, but you can establish boundaries and set the tone during their visits with you.

One caveat: The way we treat our stepkids may have more to do with our own personalities and desires than those of the kids. Don't forget that they are people too, no matter what their ages. If you have a young stepdaughter who is a tomboy, don't try to force her to wear dresses that you think cute little girls should wear. Help her express herself with clothes and activities that suit her. By pushing your preferences on her, you will be letting her know that there is something wrong with the way she wants to be. Save the dresses for when your own little princess comes along. Who knows? Maybe she won't like them either!

If you are kind and fair and sensitive to your stepkids' needs, you are on the right path. However, if this concept is proving difficult to exercise, just ask yourself this question: How would I want to be treated?