Preparing for the Positive

When we have experienced rough patches with our stepkids in the past, it can be easy to dread future visits and all the things that might go wrong.

They won't like what we're having for supper.
They won't enjoy the activities we have planned.
They'll get upset if we enforce rules they don't have at their other house.
They'll be resentful that they can't be with their friends during our weekend.

Truth be told, no one can predict the future when it comes to stepfamilies. So why start the visit off with a negative mindset? Maybe the kids have had a stressful week (or two) and they're ready for a change of pace. Whatever your mood is when they arrive, the kids will pick up on it.

Although you have no control over how they react to your mood, you can certainly tip the scales in favor of a good--if not perfect--visit by developing a positive mindset before they come.

Consider This

As stepparents, it is important for us to consider how our words and actions will affect the other members of our family. Sometimes the things we say and do can be misinterpreted simply because of our peculiar role. I hope that none of you are intentionally stirring up messes with your stepkids and/or their natural parents, but I do understand if you inadvertently cause trouble from time to time.

We should be extra careful when it comes to the ex. Depending on your situation, you may need to remind yourself often that ex-spouses are people too. They have feelings and rights just like everyone else, and although you may not be able to control the thoughts that pop into your head, you can make an effort to control what comes out of your mouth.

There may be moments with the kids when you are tempted to make comments or reveal facts about your spouse's ex. Maybe you just want to set the record straight or present "the other side of the story", but be aware that you are treading on a potential minefield. Stop and think about how that might come back to haunt you.

Even when you make a joke or agree with something the kids have said, you may find out--after the fact--that such things are deemed inappropriate coming from you. Let's face it, the rules are different for us. Natural parents can get away with things we dare not attempt.

I recall a time when I gave my stepdaughter a friendly pat on the leg. She immediately recoiled and (joking, but not really) said, "OWW! Don't hit me!" When her daddy did the same thing, she giggled and hugged him.

We may not get everything right all the time, but who does? All I'm saying is that we stepparents need to err on the side of caution. Hopefully, thinking before you say or do will help you avoid unnecessary drama.

As If They Were My Own

I have often said that I treat my stepkids like I would treat my own children. Perhaps that is not an accurate assertion. The fact is, I don't know exactly how I would treat my own children because I don't have any yet. It would be more truthful to say that I treat my stepkids the way I THINK I would treat my own.

Why is it important to acknowledge this subtle difference? It is possible that I might be much more forgiving or indulgent toward my own biological offspring--especially since I would be an older first-time mom. Then again, my age might provide me with the wisdom to know better than a younger mom when it is ok to indulge or pamper and when it is necessary to say "no" and stand firm.

But since step relationships are completely different from natural ones, comparing parenting techniques is not helpful. The only situation that calls for careful attention to this matter is when a stepmom is parenting both her stepkids and her natural children at the same time. For example, if you are on a family outing, it would not be wise to let your own children indulge in foods that your stepkids are not allowed to eat. You can explain to your kids why certain rules may change when the stepkids are visiting so that everyone is on the same page.

Try to be mindful of their custodial parents' preferences, especially if they are stricter than you. If your stepkids are used to a much more liberal environment, have your spouse discuss with them why certain activities are not allowed in you home. Your spouse's ex may tolerate aggression and foul language, but you don't. Neither you nor your spouse can control how the kids are treated in their "other" home, but you can establish boundaries and set the tone during their visits with you.

One caveat: The way we treat our stepkids may have more to do with our own personalities and desires than those of the kids. Don't forget that they are people too, no matter what their ages. If you have a young stepdaughter who is a tomboy, don't try to force her to wear dresses that you think cute little girls should wear. Help her express herself with clothes and activities that suit her. By pushing your preferences on her, you will be letting her know that there is something wrong with the way she wants to be. Save the dresses for when your own little princess comes along. Who knows? Maybe she won't like them either!

If you are kind and fair and sensitive to your stepkids' needs, you are on the right path. However, if this concept is proving difficult to exercise, just ask yourself this question: How would I want to be treated?

Time Flies!

Hello again to whoever may be out there reading this...

I know it's been a while since my last post. No excuses, just didn't keep up with it, but I was reminded of this while joining another online group.

So my step-son is now 15 and finishing his freshman year in high school. My step-daughter is 14, recently got her braces off, and will be glad to be a freshman next year.

It's so hard to believe that they were only 4 & 5 years old when I met their father. A year later, we became a "blended family". Just last week, it occurred to me that, from their perspective, I may be simply "Dad's wife" or their on-call taxi service (when no one else is available). Sometimes, they probably think of me more as "that lady who lectures us every time we go to Dad's house." On the flip-side, the two of them seem to have no idea how important they are to me.

Since I don't have any "biological" children yet, all of my motherly instinct is directed toward them whenever they're with us. And on top of that, I'm somewhat of a teacher at heart. I was never cool in my younger days and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be "the life of the party". So it's easy to see why I'm not exactly the kids' favorite person to be around. This seems to be just one more challenge in our relationship.

Being a part-time step-parent means having to deal with children who spend most of their time in an evironment that is very different from your home (or up-bringing, or parenting style). Such is the case with us. It's like we speak a different language and we most certainly have different rules and expectations. Making the transition from "Mom's house" to our house is not easy for any of us.

On the bright side, I've learned not to take things too personally. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve, so this has been a great improvement. Whenever the kids fail to acknowledge something good about me, or they forget my birthday, or they don't wish me a "happy (step-)mother's day", it still hurts my feelings a bit, but it doesn't dig as deep as it used to.

Another thing I've learned is that I can control how I react to their actions toward me. This is a work in progress, but I'm determined to avoid the victim mentality when they say or do something that really bothers me but may not be a big deal to them.

Am I the only one out there having these issues? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone:)