Happy Summer Everyone! Ok, so I know that summer doesn't officially begin until June 21, but Memorial Day is widely regarded as the kick-off to summer vacation,so here we are. This week is the last week of school for my stepkids and we will be heading to the East Coast next week.
This trip is actually my family reunion (for my mother's side), and it will be the first "big" trip since both the kids became teenagers. Pray for us all!! Hahaha... But seriously, I'm sure it will be a bit different from the last trip back east that we took when the kids were about 5 & 6 years old. They didn't have cell phones, ipods, or "attitudes" back then. Ahhhh...the good ol' days:)
Nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to our vacation. One reason for my positive outlook is the knowledge that I do not have unrealistic expectations. The trips we took when the kids were little demanded togetherness. They needed our help doing basic things and they didn't think I was "meddling" or lecturing if I assisted or gave instructions.
It's obvious now, however, that my stepkids are more independent and likely to prefer setting their own agendas. And although my inner-mommy mourns the loss of opportunity to nurture, I realize that I have the freedom to enjoy more R&R, as well as quality chit-chat time with relatives I don't get to see very often.
I am also looking forward to seeing my husband enjoy some quality-time with the kids. He and I get a healthy dose of "couple-time", but it isn't very often that he gets more than 24 hours with them during their visits. And when you factor in sleep, meals, TV, and all the time they spend texting their friends, it's actually much less. I sincerely hope that the three of them make good use of this beach vacation.
I know I'm going to!!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Getting Help
Being a step-mom can be a really tough gig. Sometimes, it's easy to think that you are the only one going through all of this crap. But that's not true. There are many of us out there fighting the same battles and crying the same tears.
I recently found comfort in a book titled, "Step Motherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked" by Cherie Burns. The irony here is that it was my step-daughter who found it and pointed it out to me in the bookstore. Go figure!
Anyway, from the get-go, I realized this book was going to be a great source of wisdom and reassurance for me. I had a feeling that hearing the stories of other women in my position would somehow help, but I had no idea just how much. I know now that I must seek out other resources and support groups.
It seems that no matter how wonderful your husband is, and no matter how much your mother (or sister, or best friend, or counselor, or pastor...) cares about you, no one can sympathize with your plight like another step-mom. There are just too many factors in play that somehow combine to create situations that seem to defy the very balance of nature.
Ok, so that might sound a little dramatic, but I'll just bet there are some of you out there who know exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I'm getting help. And if you aren't, I suggest you do so ASAP!! Especially if your step-kids are still a big part of your lives.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Time Flies!
Hello again to whoever may be out there reading this...
I know it's been a while since my last post. No excuses, just didn't keep up with it, but I was reminded of this while joining another online group.
So my step-son is now 15 and finishing his freshman year in high school. My step-daughter is 14, recently got her braces off, and will be glad to be a freshman next year.
It's so hard to believe that they were only 4 & 5 years old when I met their father. A year later, we became a "blended family". Just last week, it occurred to me that, from their perspective, I may be simply "Dad's wife" or their on-call taxi service (when no one else is available). Sometimes, they probably think of me more as "that lady who lectures us every time we go to Dad's house." On the flip-side, the two of them seem to have no idea how important they are to me.
Since I don't have any "biological" children yet, all of my motherly instinct is directed toward them whenever they're with us. And on top of that, I'm somewhat of a teacher at heart. I was never cool in my younger days and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be "the life of the party". So it's easy to see why I'm not exactly the kids' favorite person to be around. This seems to be just one more challenge in our relationship.
Being a part-time step-parent means having to deal with children who spend most of their time in an evironment that is very different from your home (or up-bringing, or parenting style). Such is the case with us. It's like we speak a different language and we most certainly have different rules and expectations. Making the transition from "Mom's house" to our house is not easy for any of us.
On the bright side, I've learned not to take things too personally. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve, so this has been a great improvement. Whenever the kids fail to acknowledge something good about me, or they forget my birthday, or they don't wish me a "happy (step-)mother's day", it still hurts my feelings a bit, but it doesn't dig as deep as it used to.
Another thing I've learned is that I can control how I react to their actions toward me. This is a work in progress, but I'm determined to avoid the victim mentality when they say or do something that really bothers me but may not be a big deal to them.
Am I the only one out there having these issues? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone:)
I know it's been a while since my last post. No excuses, just didn't keep up with it, but I was reminded of this while joining another online group.
So my step-son is now 15 and finishing his freshman year in high school. My step-daughter is 14, recently got her braces off, and will be glad to be a freshman next year.
It's so hard to believe that they were only 4 & 5 years old when I met their father. A year later, we became a "blended family". Just last week, it occurred to me that, from their perspective, I may be simply "Dad's wife" or their on-call taxi service (when no one else is available). Sometimes, they probably think of me more as "that lady who lectures us every time we go to Dad's house." On the flip-side, the two of them seem to have no idea how important they are to me.
Since I don't have any "biological" children yet, all of my motherly instinct is directed toward them whenever they're with us. And on top of that, I'm somewhat of a teacher at heart. I was never cool in my younger days and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be "the life of the party". So it's easy to see why I'm not exactly the kids' favorite person to be around. This seems to be just one more challenge in our relationship.
Being a part-time step-parent means having to deal with children who spend most of their time in an evironment that is very different from your home (or up-bringing, or parenting style). Such is the case with us. It's like we speak a different language and we most certainly have different rules and expectations. Making the transition from "Mom's house" to our house is not easy for any of us.
On the bright side, I've learned not to take things too personally. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve, so this has been a great improvement. Whenever the kids fail to acknowledge something good about me, or they forget my birthday, or they don't wish me a "happy (step-)mother's day", it still hurts my feelings a bit, but it doesn't dig as deep as it used to.
Another thing I've learned is that I can control how I react to their actions toward me. This is a work in progress, but I'm determined to avoid the victim mentality when they say or do something that really bothers me but may not be a big deal to them.
Am I the only one out there having these issues? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone:)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
I love almost everything about Spring-time, but I must confess that Mother's Day is a sore spot for me. Not having any children of my own, being a step-mom is the closest I can get for the time being...but does that really qualify?
This is a question I have struggled with in recent years. In the past, we have attended many "Mother's Day" church services and most of the time, an effort is made to acknowledge ALL mothers, including steps. It's always been an uneasy experience for me to stand beside all the "real" moms, accepting praise and recognition along with them.
See, I truly reverence the role of Mother. It is a unique and challenging job that requires much more effort than I have ever had to put forth as a step-mom. Nevertheless, I have high hopes for the kids; I pray for them; I advise them; and I care about what happens to them. Although these are all mom-like qualities, I realize that none of those things has very much to do with Mother's Day.
It seems to me that the whole point of Mother's Day is for moms to be recognized by those who have benefitted from their "mothering". It is a day set aside for "children" of all ages to let their moms know how much they are appreciated.
For the part-time step-moms, our roles are vastly different from that of the "real" Mom or even the step-mom who is a full-time part of their kids' lives. As part-timers, we may very well be just a tiny fraction of all that matters to the kids, and therefore we'll likely not be recognized or truly appreciated for our "motherhood" until the kids are grown. And that's ok...or at least it might as well be.
As for me, I'd rather not receive any recognition or praise or gifts unless they are given with heartfelt sincerity. Otherwise, it would all just be empty gestures prompted by feelings of guilty obligation. Somehow, such gestures lack all of the warm & fuzzy-ness that make special days seem not-so-special.
So "Happy Mother's Day" to all of you part-timers who are truly blessed to be recognized as mothers. And for the rest...hang in there! Just be the best step you can be everyday...that's what makes you special :)
This is a question I have struggled with in recent years. In the past, we have attended many "Mother's Day" church services and most of the time, an effort is made to acknowledge ALL mothers, including steps. It's always been an uneasy experience for me to stand beside all the "real" moms, accepting praise and recognition along with them.
See, I truly reverence the role of Mother. It is a unique and challenging job that requires much more effort than I have ever had to put forth as a step-mom. Nevertheless, I have high hopes for the kids; I pray for them; I advise them; and I care about what happens to them. Although these are all mom-like qualities, I realize that none of those things has very much to do with Mother's Day.
It seems to me that the whole point of Mother's Day is for moms to be recognized by those who have benefitted from their "mothering". It is a day set aside for "children" of all ages to let their moms know how much they are appreciated.
For the part-time step-moms, our roles are vastly different from that of the "real" Mom or even the step-mom who is a full-time part of their kids' lives. As part-timers, we may very well be just a tiny fraction of all that matters to the kids, and therefore we'll likely not be recognized or truly appreciated for our "motherhood" until the kids are grown. And that's ok...or at least it might as well be.
As for me, I'd rather not receive any recognition or praise or gifts unless they are given with heartfelt sincerity. Otherwise, it would all just be empty gestures prompted by feelings of guilty obligation. Somehow, such gestures lack all of the warm & fuzzy-ness that make special days seem not-so-special.
So "Happy Mother's Day" to all of you part-timers who are truly blessed to be recognized as mothers. And for the rest...hang in there! Just be the best step you can be everyday...that's what makes you special :)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
No Contest
With one day left to go in March, I am managing to squeeze in one more post!
I think it is important to avoid making comparisons between yourself and the kids' "real" mom or dad. I don't know if men have this problem, but I know that we women tend to compare ourselves with other women we encounter.
On top of the fact that we often already have unrealistic expectations for ourselves, we seem to believe that we're in some sort of competition for the admiration or respect of the children. It's only human nature to want to be liked and accepted for who we are. But when we feel that we are falling short, it's easy to think we might be "better" if we were more like so-and-so.
Inevitably, the kids will compare Step-mom with Mom. They'll note the differences and form their own opinions about both. Unfortunately, if you think they "like Mom better", you're probably right and that will probably always be true no matter what you do. So stop making it a contest. Just be the best YOU you can be and give your best to the kids when their with you.
I think it is important to avoid making comparisons between yourself and the kids' "real" mom or dad. I don't know if men have this problem, but I know that we women tend to compare ourselves with other women we encounter.
On top of the fact that we often already have unrealistic expectations for ourselves, we seem to believe that we're in some sort of competition for the admiration or respect of the children. It's only human nature to want to be liked and accepted for who we are. But when we feel that we are falling short, it's easy to think we might be "better" if we were more like so-and-so.
Inevitably, the kids will compare Step-mom with Mom. They'll note the differences and form their own opinions about both. Unfortunately, if you think they "like Mom better", you're probably right and that will probably always be true no matter what you do. So stop making it a contest. Just be the best YOU you can be and give your best to the kids when their with you.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Name Game
Yes, I am making up for lost posts!! Two in one day? Deal with it!
Actually, this one is just to save me some typing in the future. It ocurred to me that I should give the "characters" in my life some names, so I don't have to keep using "the ex", "step-daughter", and "step-son". Using the titles seems cold and impersonal to me, but I don't feel right using their actual names either. They do have a right to personal privacy, afterall.
From now on, I will use the following pseudonyms:
Sondra = the ex
Randy = step-son
Nicky = step-daughter
I wonder how many times I'll have to refer to this post until I can remember that!
Actually, this one is just to save me some typing in the future. It ocurred to me that I should give the "characters" in my life some names, so I don't have to keep using "the ex", "step-daughter", and "step-son". Using the titles seems cold and impersonal to me, but I don't feel right using their actual names either. They do have a right to personal privacy, afterall.
From now on, I will use the following pseudonyms:
Sondra = the ex
Randy = step-son
Nicky = step-daughter
I wonder how many times I'll have to refer to this post until I can remember that!
Weekend Visits: Unplugged
Ok, so it's March already! February just seemed to fly by, but I did manage to get in at least one post last month. But that was the past and I plan to be a little more diligent this month:)
Well, today just happens to be my step-daughter's 13th birthday, which I realize is a HUGE milestone. I know that it is a big deal to kids when they finally become teenagers, but let's face it, from the time a kid leaves elementary school until he turns 16, there really is no big difference anymore. Once "the driving era" begins, parents and teens alike definitely enter a whole new ballgame!
Before that, there seems to be just this gray area where kids want all the privileges of teenhood, but without all of the responsibility. And then on the other hand, they want all of the affection and safety of childhood, but without being "treated like a baby". Definitely an interesting time to be alive!
I just have to share something with all of you (well, at least I hope I have more than one reader out there!): The last couple of weekends with the kids have been very interesting. We have made a significant--and perhaps miraculous--discovery: Teenagers can, in fact, survive WITHOUT cell phones, ipods, video games, and computers for more than 24 hours!! Do you believe it? I do! I've seen it with my own eyes!! They didn't melt, deflate, or explode when they were told that they would have to "hand 'em over".
The first weekend they had to do without was punishment for certain specific offenses. But last weekend, we told them this would be a regular thing until we started to see some improvement in their attitudes and their willingness to accept responsibility. At the end of the weekend, my husband asked them if they thought the "punishment" was fair. To our suprise, they both said that it was.
My step-daughter actually said that it was good for her to "take a break" from the texting sometimes.
On Saturday, while we were waiting for my husband to come home, the kids and I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen preparing our meals together and my step-daughter made the most delicious bread I've had in quite a while! Friday night, we talked and had sort of a "group therapy" experience that shed some light on a few unpleasant issues that otherwise would have remained unchecked.
The whole weekend was a stark contrast from weekends past when both of the kids couldn't go to the bathroom or get a glass of water without a cell phone or i-pod in hand. They both finally learned that when they are engaged in texting, it's like they are having conversations with other people and are, in fact, ignoring the people they are with. I know that might seem obvious to you and me, but I promise you, it was a revalation to my step-daughter!
Anyway, my point is this: Parents--step or not--have no right to complain about their children spending too much time using techno-gadgets that make them oblivious to the world around them. It's your house and your rules...and YOUR responsibility to enforce the rules. The grown-ups may giveth, but the grown-ups can taketh away anytime they choose. Think about it...how much quality time are you missing?
Well, today just happens to be my step-daughter's 13th birthday, which I realize is a HUGE milestone. I know that it is a big deal to kids when they finally become teenagers, but let's face it, from the time a kid leaves elementary school until he turns 16, there really is no big difference anymore. Once "the driving era" begins, parents and teens alike definitely enter a whole new ballgame!
Before that, there seems to be just this gray area where kids want all the privileges of teenhood, but without all of the responsibility. And then on the other hand, they want all of the affection and safety of childhood, but without being "treated like a baby". Definitely an interesting time to be alive!
I just have to share something with all of you (well, at least I hope I have more than one reader out there!): The last couple of weekends with the kids have been very interesting. We have made a significant--and perhaps miraculous--discovery: Teenagers can, in fact, survive WITHOUT cell phones, ipods, video games, and computers for more than 24 hours!! Do you believe it? I do! I've seen it with my own eyes!! They didn't melt, deflate, or explode when they were told that they would have to "hand 'em over".
The first weekend they had to do without was punishment for certain specific offenses. But last weekend, we told them this would be a regular thing until we started to see some improvement in their attitudes and their willingness to accept responsibility. At the end of the weekend, my husband asked them if they thought the "punishment" was fair. To our suprise, they both said that it was.
My step-daughter actually said that it was good for her to "take a break" from the texting sometimes.
On Saturday, while we were waiting for my husband to come home, the kids and I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen preparing our meals together and my step-daughter made the most delicious bread I've had in quite a while! Friday night, we talked and had sort of a "group therapy" experience that shed some light on a few unpleasant issues that otherwise would have remained unchecked.
The whole weekend was a stark contrast from weekends past when both of the kids couldn't go to the bathroom or get a glass of water without a cell phone or i-pod in hand. They both finally learned that when they are engaged in texting, it's like they are having conversations with other people and are, in fact, ignoring the people they are with. I know that might seem obvious to you and me, but I promise you, it was a revalation to my step-daughter!
Anyway, my point is this: Parents--step or not--have no right to complain about their children spending too much time using techno-gadgets that make them oblivious to the world around them. It's your house and your rules...and YOUR responsibility to enforce the rules. The grown-ups may giveth, but the grown-ups can taketh away anytime they choose. Think about it...how much quality time are you missing?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)