I love almost everything about Spring-time, but I must confess that Mother's Day is a sore spot for me. Not having any children of my own, being a step-mom is the closest I can get for the time being...but does that really qualify?
This is a question I have struggled with in recent years. In the past, we have attended many "Mother's Day" church services and most of the time, an effort is made to acknowledge ALL mothers, including steps. It's always been an uneasy experience for me to stand beside all the "real" moms, accepting praise and recognition along with them.
See, I truly reverence the role of Mother. It is a unique and challenging job that requires much more effort than I have ever had to put forth as a step-mom. Nevertheless, I have high hopes for the kids; I pray for them; I advise them; and I care about what happens to them. Although these are all mom-like qualities, I realize that none of those things has very much to do with Mother's Day.
It seems to me that the whole point of Mother's Day is for moms to be recognized by those who have benefitted from their "mothering". It is a day set aside for "children" of all ages to let their moms know how much they are appreciated.
For the part-time step-moms, our roles are vastly different from that of the "real" Mom or even the step-mom who is a full-time part of their kids' lives. As part-timers, we may very well be just a tiny fraction of all that matters to the kids, and therefore we'll likely not be recognized or truly appreciated for our "motherhood" until the kids are grown. And that's ok...or at least it might as well be.
As for me, I'd rather not receive any recognition or praise or gifts unless they are given with heartfelt sincerity. Otherwise, it would all just be empty gestures prompted by feelings of guilty obligation. Somehow, such gestures lack all of the warm & fuzzy-ness that make special days seem not-so-special.
So "Happy Mother's Day" to all of you part-timers who are truly blessed to be recognized as mothers. And for the rest...hang in there! Just be the best step you can be everyday...that's what makes you special :)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
No Contest
With one day left to go in March, I am managing to squeeze in one more post!
I think it is important to avoid making comparisons between yourself and the kids' "real" mom or dad. I don't know if men have this problem, but I know that we women tend to compare ourselves with other women we encounter.
On top of the fact that we often already have unrealistic expectations for ourselves, we seem to believe that we're in some sort of competition for the admiration or respect of the children. It's only human nature to want to be liked and accepted for who we are. But when we feel that we are falling short, it's easy to think we might be "better" if we were more like so-and-so.
Inevitably, the kids will compare Step-mom with Mom. They'll note the differences and form their own opinions about both. Unfortunately, if you think they "like Mom better", you're probably right and that will probably always be true no matter what you do. So stop making it a contest. Just be the best YOU you can be and give your best to the kids when their with you.
I think it is important to avoid making comparisons between yourself and the kids' "real" mom or dad. I don't know if men have this problem, but I know that we women tend to compare ourselves with other women we encounter.
On top of the fact that we often already have unrealistic expectations for ourselves, we seem to believe that we're in some sort of competition for the admiration or respect of the children. It's only human nature to want to be liked and accepted for who we are. But when we feel that we are falling short, it's easy to think we might be "better" if we were more like so-and-so.
Inevitably, the kids will compare Step-mom with Mom. They'll note the differences and form their own opinions about both. Unfortunately, if you think they "like Mom better", you're probably right and that will probably always be true no matter what you do. So stop making it a contest. Just be the best YOU you can be and give your best to the kids when their with you.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Name Game
Yes, I am making up for lost posts!! Two in one day? Deal with it!
Actually, this one is just to save me some typing in the future. It ocurred to me that I should give the "characters" in my life some names, so I don't have to keep using "the ex", "step-daughter", and "step-son". Using the titles seems cold and impersonal to me, but I don't feel right using their actual names either. They do have a right to personal privacy, afterall.
From now on, I will use the following pseudonyms:
Sondra = the ex
Randy = step-son
Nicky = step-daughter
I wonder how many times I'll have to refer to this post until I can remember that!
Actually, this one is just to save me some typing in the future. It ocurred to me that I should give the "characters" in my life some names, so I don't have to keep using "the ex", "step-daughter", and "step-son". Using the titles seems cold and impersonal to me, but I don't feel right using their actual names either. They do have a right to personal privacy, afterall.
From now on, I will use the following pseudonyms:
Sondra = the ex
Randy = step-son
Nicky = step-daughter
I wonder how many times I'll have to refer to this post until I can remember that!
Weekend Visits: Unplugged
Ok, so it's March already! February just seemed to fly by, but I did manage to get in at least one post last month. But that was the past and I plan to be a little more diligent this month:)
Well, today just happens to be my step-daughter's 13th birthday, which I realize is a HUGE milestone. I know that it is a big deal to kids when they finally become teenagers, but let's face it, from the time a kid leaves elementary school until he turns 16, there really is no big difference anymore. Once "the driving era" begins, parents and teens alike definitely enter a whole new ballgame!
Before that, there seems to be just this gray area where kids want all the privileges of teenhood, but without all of the responsibility. And then on the other hand, they want all of the affection and safety of childhood, but without being "treated like a baby". Definitely an interesting time to be alive!
I just have to share something with all of you (well, at least I hope I have more than one reader out there!): The last couple of weekends with the kids have been very interesting. We have made a significant--and perhaps miraculous--discovery: Teenagers can, in fact, survive WITHOUT cell phones, ipods, video games, and computers for more than 24 hours!! Do you believe it? I do! I've seen it with my own eyes!! They didn't melt, deflate, or explode when they were told that they would have to "hand 'em over".
The first weekend they had to do without was punishment for certain specific offenses. But last weekend, we told them this would be a regular thing until we started to see some improvement in their attitudes and their willingness to accept responsibility. At the end of the weekend, my husband asked them if they thought the "punishment" was fair. To our suprise, they both said that it was.
My step-daughter actually said that it was good for her to "take a break" from the texting sometimes.
On Saturday, while we were waiting for my husband to come home, the kids and I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen preparing our meals together and my step-daughter made the most delicious bread I've had in quite a while! Friday night, we talked and had sort of a "group therapy" experience that shed some light on a few unpleasant issues that otherwise would have remained unchecked.
The whole weekend was a stark contrast from weekends past when both of the kids couldn't go to the bathroom or get a glass of water without a cell phone or i-pod in hand. They both finally learned that when they are engaged in texting, it's like they are having conversations with other people and are, in fact, ignoring the people they are with. I know that might seem obvious to you and me, but I promise you, it was a revalation to my step-daughter!
Anyway, my point is this: Parents--step or not--have no right to complain about their children spending too much time using techno-gadgets that make them oblivious to the world around them. It's your house and your rules...and YOUR responsibility to enforce the rules. The grown-ups may giveth, but the grown-ups can taketh away anytime they choose. Think about it...how much quality time are you missing?
Well, today just happens to be my step-daughter's 13th birthday, which I realize is a HUGE milestone. I know that it is a big deal to kids when they finally become teenagers, but let's face it, from the time a kid leaves elementary school until he turns 16, there really is no big difference anymore. Once "the driving era" begins, parents and teens alike definitely enter a whole new ballgame!
Before that, there seems to be just this gray area where kids want all the privileges of teenhood, but without all of the responsibility. And then on the other hand, they want all of the affection and safety of childhood, but without being "treated like a baby". Definitely an interesting time to be alive!
I just have to share something with all of you (well, at least I hope I have more than one reader out there!): The last couple of weekends with the kids have been very interesting. We have made a significant--and perhaps miraculous--discovery: Teenagers can, in fact, survive WITHOUT cell phones, ipods, video games, and computers for more than 24 hours!! Do you believe it? I do! I've seen it with my own eyes!! They didn't melt, deflate, or explode when they were told that they would have to "hand 'em over".
The first weekend they had to do without was punishment for certain specific offenses. But last weekend, we told them this would be a regular thing until we started to see some improvement in their attitudes and their willingness to accept responsibility. At the end of the weekend, my husband asked them if they thought the "punishment" was fair. To our suprise, they both said that it was.
My step-daughter actually said that it was good for her to "take a break" from the texting sometimes.
On Saturday, while we were waiting for my husband to come home, the kids and I spent quite a bit of time in the kitchen preparing our meals together and my step-daughter made the most delicious bread I've had in quite a while! Friday night, we talked and had sort of a "group therapy" experience that shed some light on a few unpleasant issues that otherwise would have remained unchecked.
The whole weekend was a stark contrast from weekends past when both of the kids couldn't go to the bathroom or get a glass of water without a cell phone or i-pod in hand. They both finally learned that when they are engaged in texting, it's like they are having conversations with other people and are, in fact, ignoring the people they are with. I know that might seem obvious to you and me, but I promise you, it was a revalation to my step-daughter!
Anyway, my point is this: Parents--step or not--have no right to complain about their children spending too much time using techno-gadgets that make them oblivious to the world around them. It's your house and your rules...and YOUR responsibility to enforce the rules. The grown-ups may giveth, but the grown-ups can taketh away anytime they choose. Think about it...how much quality time are you missing?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Tricky Middle Ground
Happy February Part-time Steps!
I just wanted to discuss one of the more delicate aspects to this unique position we are in. What should we do when we get stuck in the middle of a he said-she said-they said situation?
Being the "outsiders", sometimes we view certain encounters more objectively than the spouse, the children, or the ex, but what do you do when your opinion really isn't wanted? It's very tough to "stay out of it" when you think you can bring peace to a situation, but the middle ground can very quickly turn into a land mine full of unexpected emotional explosions. This can be especially true when it comes to disciplinary situations.
Examine your position: You are not the biological parent. The custodial parent has already conditioned the children to certain behavioral/disciplinary patterns. The non-custodial parent, who also happens to be your spouse, may be facing conflicting emotions regarding his (or her) actions.
As a general rule, I am often on the same page as my husband when it comes to parenting issues, although we are not often in a position to exercise disciplinary situations since we do not have any children together at this time. But when it comes to his children, I need to remember that things are different.
If a situation requiring disciplinary action has occurred, I make a point to discuss the details with my husband--especially if the matter is serious. If I am with the kids when my husband can't be with us, I take a very cautious approach to correction.
It has taken me a while to realize that the kids may do something when they are with me that I feel requires correction, but is perfectly acceptable when they are with their mother.
Sometimes I really want to "lay down the law", but then I remember that they are not my children. For the most part, unless the kids are being destructive or disrespectful in my home, I am pretty lenient. If discipline is necessary, checking in with my husband is always the best bet. We may not always agree on the best course of action, but in the end, they are his children and I will yeild to his wishes.
Admittedly, the ex is not always in agreement with my husband's disciplinary actions either. And although I support my husband, it is not my place to intervene on his behalf when the ex takes issue with his actions. This is a lesson I am in the process of learning. As much as I care for the well-being of those kids, their raising is the responsibility of their mother and their father.
But remember part-time steps, we are in a position to influence the children, one way or another! Perhaps we'll discuss that next time...
God Bless
I just wanted to discuss one of the more delicate aspects to this unique position we are in. What should we do when we get stuck in the middle of a he said-she said-they said situation?
Being the "outsiders", sometimes we view certain encounters more objectively than the spouse, the children, or the ex, but what do you do when your opinion really isn't wanted? It's very tough to "stay out of it" when you think you can bring peace to a situation, but the middle ground can very quickly turn into a land mine full of unexpected emotional explosions. This can be especially true when it comes to disciplinary situations.
Examine your position: You are not the biological parent. The custodial parent has already conditioned the children to certain behavioral/disciplinary patterns. The non-custodial parent, who also happens to be your spouse, may be facing conflicting emotions regarding his (or her) actions.
As a general rule, I am often on the same page as my husband when it comes to parenting issues, although we are not often in a position to exercise disciplinary situations since we do not have any children together at this time. But when it comes to his children, I need to remember that things are different.
If a situation requiring disciplinary action has occurred, I make a point to discuss the details with my husband--especially if the matter is serious. If I am with the kids when my husband can't be with us, I take a very cautious approach to correction.
It has taken me a while to realize that the kids may do something when they are with me that I feel requires correction, but is perfectly acceptable when they are with their mother.
Sometimes I really want to "lay down the law", but then I remember that they are not my children. For the most part, unless the kids are being destructive or disrespectful in my home, I am pretty lenient. If discipline is necessary, checking in with my husband is always the best bet. We may not always agree on the best course of action, but in the end, they are his children and I will yeild to his wishes.
Admittedly, the ex is not always in agreement with my husband's disciplinary actions either. And although I support my husband, it is not my place to intervene on his behalf when the ex takes issue with his actions. This is a lesson I am in the process of learning. As much as I care for the well-being of those kids, their raising is the responsibility of their mother and their father.
But remember part-time steps, we are in a position to influence the children, one way or another! Perhaps we'll discuss that next time...
God Bless
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Identity Crisis
So you know how they say, "looks aren't everything"? Well, of course that's true, but I never realized how much someone's looks could affect how you feel about her. I am referring to the fact that my step-daughter looks sooooooo much like her mother! The older she gets, the more she resembles my husband's ex and everytime I see her lately, I struggle because I realize that I shouldn't hold that against her. Actually, it really isn't all about the physical appearance. It's really more about her mannerisms. She's beginning to sound, act, and think more like her mother all the time.
I suppose that is the beauty of procreation...people have children who end up having so many of their own characteristics, it's amazing. But for this step-mom, the challenge is remembering that the daughter is NOT the mother, even if it's getting harder and harder to tell the difference.
My step-daughter is beginning to shift from little girl to teenager. In the process, she's getting a life of her own, so to speak. Her interests change constantly, and her attitude is predictable, so it's really tough to get to know the "real" her these days. I guess, while she's trying to figure out exactly who she is and what she's really all about, I will do my best to give her the courtesy of not assuming that she is just like her mother...even though sometimes it's tough to tell the difference.
Please share your stories about the "look-alikes" in your life:)
I suppose that is the beauty of procreation...people have children who end up having so many of their own characteristics, it's amazing. But for this step-mom, the challenge is remembering that the daughter is NOT the mother, even if it's getting harder and harder to tell the difference.
My step-daughter is beginning to shift from little girl to teenager. In the process, she's getting a life of her own, so to speak. Her interests change constantly, and her attitude is predictable, so it's really tough to get to know the "real" her these days. I guess, while she's trying to figure out exactly who she is and what she's really all about, I will do my best to give her the courtesy of not assuming that she is just like her mother...even though sometimes it's tough to tell the difference.
Please share your stories about the "look-alikes" in your life:)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
False Accusations
Have you ever been falsely accused by the ex or the kids? If so, what happened and how did you handle it?
In my case, I was not actually accused of doing something improper, but the implication was undeniable. The ex made it known that she would rather have my step-son be at her house, by himself, than to have him spend even a couple of hours with me if my husband and/or step-daughter were not going to be at our house. I was angry and deeply hurt!
I have always treated both kids the way I believe I would treat my own. Is it wrong for a mother to be alone in a house with her son? Of course not.
But it's different because he isn't my son.
One of the most frustrating aspects of this part time step parenting is the double standards. I mean, it's ok for me to do certain "motherly" tasks such as cooking their meals, washing their dirty dishes, and chauffeuring them to practices and appointments, but that's about it. My opinions about how to help the kids with their problems are not only disregarded, they are completely unappreciated even though I sincerely care about the kids' well-being. But I digress.
Up until now, the only incident that has come close to a false accusation was when the kids developed a rash...several days after leaving our house. The ex wanted to know if I had washed their clothes, maybe in a new detergent. I suppose that was a reasonable question, but at the time, I was tempted to take it as an insult because I was hurt. Again, I try to do things that improve the health of my "family"--like buying detergent free of perfumes, dyes, etc--so even the suggestion that something I might have done (in an effort to help lighten the ex's laundry load) could have caused their rashes was upsetting to me.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it is difficult enough to avoid getting roped into the image of the Wicked Step-Mother without unwarranted expectations of foul play.
I hope this incident doesn't mark the beginning of a new pattern.
So far, I have not made a big issue of her comments and her apparent belief that her son is not safe in my care unless a chaperone is present. But how would you feel? What would you do?
My theory is that trying to "clear my name" would only create more drama. I have done nothing wrong, so I have no need to defend myself.
But by making her position known, she has potentially made things a little more complicated for herself.
Just a few days before the unspoken accusation, she asked me to take her son to a practice. This required me to be with him in the van-without the supervision of his sister. But now that I know she truly doesn't trust me, I am no longer qualified to perform this service for her. In the future, she will have to make other arrangements or he won't be able to go.
Any thoughts?
In my case, I was not actually accused of doing something improper, but the implication was undeniable. The ex made it known that she would rather have my step-son be at her house, by himself, than to have him spend even a couple of hours with me if my husband and/or step-daughter were not going to be at our house. I was angry and deeply hurt!
I have always treated both kids the way I believe I would treat my own. Is it wrong for a mother to be alone in a house with her son? Of course not.
But it's different because he isn't my son.
One of the most frustrating aspects of this part time step parenting is the double standards. I mean, it's ok for me to do certain "motherly" tasks such as cooking their meals, washing their dirty dishes, and chauffeuring them to practices and appointments, but that's about it. My opinions about how to help the kids with their problems are not only disregarded, they are completely unappreciated even though I sincerely care about the kids' well-being. But I digress.
Up until now, the only incident that has come close to a false accusation was when the kids developed a rash...several days after leaving our house. The ex wanted to know if I had washed their clothes, maybe in a new detergent. I suppose that was a reasonable question, but at the time, I was tempted to take it as an insult because I was hurt. Again, I try to do things that improve the health of my "family"--like buying detergent free of perfumes, dyes, etc--so even the suggestion that something I might have done (in an effort to help lighten the ex's laundry load) could have caused their rashes was upsetting to me.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it is difficult enough to avoid getting roped into the image of the Wicked Step-Mother without unwarranted expectations of foul play.
I hope this incident doesn't mark the beginning of a new pattern.
So far, I have not made a big issue of her comments and her apparent belief that her son is not safe in my care unless a chaperone is present. But how would you feel? What would you do?
My theory is that trying to "clear my name" would only create more drama. I have done nothing wrong, so I have no need to defend myself.
But by making her position known, she has potentially made things a little more complicated for herself.
Just a few days before the unspoken accusation, she asked me to take her son to a practice. This required me to be with him in the van-without the supervision of his sister. But now that I know she truly doesn't trust me, I am no longer qualified to perform this service for her. In the future, she will have to make other arrangements or he won't be able to go.
Any thoughts?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
No Trash Talk
After viewing some other sites dealing with step-parenting, I realized that some of you might be tempted to use this blog as an opportunity to "trash the ex" or bad-mouth the kids for something they have done. Please don't!
While I admit that sometimes my emotions can get the best of me, I am going to attempt to keep this blog as civil and professional as I can--especially when discussing The Ex. If you are a step parent, you should be adult enough to do the same.
Good Rule of Thumb: Don't say anything here that you wouldn't say to the subject of your comments!
~Lynn
While I admit that sometimes my emotions can get the best of me, I am going to attempt to keep this blog as civil and professional as I can--especially when discussing The Ex. If you are a step parent, you should be adult enough to do the same.
Good Rule of Thumb: Don't say anything here that you wouldn't say to the subject of your comments!
~Lynn
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Welcome Part-time Steps!!
Welcome Part-time Step Parents!
I am a part-time step-mother of two: a 14 year-old boy and 12 year-old girl. As of May 2010, I will have been a step parent for eight years. Although my perspective is that of a step-MOM, I enthusiastically invite part-time step-dads to share their stories and advice. Let's face it, we need all the help we can get!
I use the "part-time" distiction for several reasons:
1. The step-parent/child relationship is defined by the family dynamic. When children live with a parent and step-parent full-time, rules, routines and relationships can be clearly defined. When children are "visiting" the non-custodial parent and the part-time step parent, things are a little different!
2. Being a part-time step parent usually means having to "deal with" your spouse's ex (or their full-time custodian). This brings about all kinds of potentially unpleasant situations.
3. Many step-parents do not have children of their own. This means that, when the children are with you, you are expected to behave as a parent, but you do not have the luxury of always being the parent you think you would be with your own children. I say this because children are molded by the people around them the most. When your step-children are raised by custodial parents who have very different lifestyles, they will behave differently than if they had been raised by you and their behavior will influence your "parenting style".
I suppose you could use this blog as a form of free therapy, unless you count the amount of time it will cost you:)
I have learned a lot in the last seven years, but as the kids get older, I find myself in new, and sometimes frustrating, territory. Maybe some of you have been here already? If you have, I hope you will share some wisdom with those of us in the midst of the turbulence and those who are still wiping runny noses, but can see the teenage years on the horizon.
With all of the negativity that seems to loom over the image of the step-parent, I would like to share one of my greatest victories thus far in my carreer as a Step-Mom: I have never been told by either child, "You can't tell me what to do!! You're not my mom!!!"
I think that is a good way to end my first post. Please share any thoughts, stories, advice, warnings, or anything else you can think of that might encourage the rest of us!
Thanks and God Bless!
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