Stepmoms can often feel isolated when it comes to their challenges. No one else in the family has quite the same perspective on the dynamics at work when the group is all together. But if the father does not have full custody, it's highly possible that he struggles with some of the same issues as the stepmom.
Any married couple should approach tough issues as a team, but this is especially true when dealing with "his kids" who may not feel at home because they spend most of their time with their biological mother. As a stepmom, I am aware of some of difficulties my husband faces such as, child support, loss of control when the kids are with their mother, limited quality time, etc. But how much does he know about my struggles as a stepmom?
In an earlier post, I mentioned a book that has helped me, but I'm hoping it will help my husband as well. He is now reading it in order to gain a better understanding of what I go through as a stepmom. I am so blessed that he is willing to explore this subject further. Oh sure, we've discussed this topic before, but as he reads about others in the same proverbial boat, he'll realize that it's not "just me" and that I'm not just getting bent out of shape for no good reason. The more he understands what it's like for me, the easier it will be for him to help me become the best stepmom I can be.
Whether you decide to research together, or simply discuss things over a cup of coffee, you should do whatever it takes to help your teammate, because having a successful stepfamily is much tougher than winning any game!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Double-Standards
I am embarrassed to admit that I have found fault with the way my stepkids have done certain things, only to realize later that my husband does those things the same way. I will spare you a list of all of my nit-picky, OCD pet-peeves, but one example of this is the way they hang up their bath towels after a shower.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a "woman of the house" thing, but I prefer wet towels to be neatly hung so that they have a chance to dry out properly before the next use. It's a fact that if towels are hung on a rod in a bunched-up manner, they will take a very long time to dry, if they get dry at all. Now, I'm no Heloise or Martha Stewart, but I do know that damp fabrics tend to sour over time. I know it's not the end of civilization as we know it, but it's icky and sloppy in my book.
The point is, it really bothered me when the kids didn't take the time to hang their towels neatly. I'm sure I've fussed with them about this in the past, but I've since learned to pick my battles. Now I just fix it myself. But then one day, when the kids weren't around, I noticed that my husband had left his towel hung half-heartedly on the rod. Now, I'm positive that he's been doing that for at least as long as I've known him, but this was the first time I really noticed.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was not being fair to the kids. They were sloppy and bothersome because they didn't do things the way I do, but it never bothered me when my husband behaved the same way. I realize that some women would read their husbands the riot act over something as trivial as wet towels hung improperly (or dirty laundry in the wrong place, or crumbs on the counter after making a sandwich), but that's not my style.
As the Christian wife of a Christian man, I am duly submitted to him and I recognize his authority over me. Therefore, it is not my place to scold my husband for what I might consider a minor annoyance. He is the head of the household and I don't mind tidying up after him if needed. (Note to Women's Lib-ers: I don't need to be liberated from male oppression and please don't send hate mail!)But if it's ok for my husband to do something, why should it be wrong for his kids to do the same thing?
I just want to encourage other stepmoms to recognize those situations that create double-standards in your homes. If your husband is doing something you dislike, discuss it with him. If his kids do the same thing, discuss it with him. Together you will be able to address the problem without you becoming the proverbial wicked stepmother.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a "woman of the house" thing, but I prefer wet towels to be neatly hung so that they have a chance to dry out properly before the next use. It's a fact that if towels are hung on a rod in a bunched-up manner, they will take a very long time to dry, if they get dry at all. Now, I'm no Heloise or Martha Stewart, but I do know that damp fabrics tend to sour over time. I know it's not the end of civilization as we know it, but it's icky and sloppy in my book.
The point is, it really bothered me when the kids didn't take the time to hang their towels neatly. I'm sure I've fussed with them about this in the past, but I've since learned to pick my battles. Now I just fix it myself. But then one day, when the kids weren't around, I noticed that my husband had left his towel hung half-heartedly on the rod. Now, I'm positive that he's been doing that for at least as long as I've known him, but this was the first time I really noticed.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was not being fair to the kids. They were sloppy and bothersome because they didn't do things the way I do, but it never bothered me when my husband behaved the same way. I realize that some women would read their husbands the riot act over something as trivial as wet towels hung improperly (or dirty laundry in the wrong place, or crumbs on the counter after making a sandwich), but that's not my style.
As the Christian wife of a Christian man, I am duly submitted to him and I recognize his authority over me. Therefore, it is not my place to scold my husband for what I might consider a minor annoyance. He is the head of the household and I don't mind tidying up after him if needed. (Note to Women's Lib-ers: I don't need to be liberated from male oppression and please don't send hate mail!)But if it's ok for my husband to do something, why should it be wrong for his kids to do the same thing?
I just want to encourage other stepmoms to recognize those situations that create double-standards in your homes. If your husband is doing something you dislike, discuss it with him. If his kids do the same thing, discuss it with him. Together you will be able to address the problem without you becoming the proverbial wicked stepmother.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Technology: A Blessing in Disguise?
One thing I've learned in my stepmom journey is that being involved with other people's children is a great way to determine how you would raise your own. Since I haven't got any of my own at this time, I can only say how I think I would handle certain things. For instance, I don't think I would spend the money for my adolescent child to have a cell phone or an ipod. Ok, so maybe I would concede to some sort of mp3 player (after all, I had a walkman back in the day), but it would likely be an inexpensive one and my child would have to work to earn money for itunes downloads.
As much as I would like to go on a rant about why kids shouldn't have cell phones, I won't. I'll save that for another blog. I will say, however, that it is bothersome to be with my stepdaughter who isn't really with us because she is absorbed by the multiple conversations going on via text messaging. In my opinion, that's just rude. But I didn't buy her the phone and I'm not her mother, so I'm somewhat limited in my jurisdiction over such matters.
Another thing about texting is the language shortcuts. I've been known to use abbreviations and questionable grammer in order to save character space, but I always try to make sure the message is clear. Not everyone does that. Communicating with stepkids and their "real mom" can be tricky enough, but it gets even worse when you receive an unclear text. Also, texting only provides words, so you lose bits of the message that would normally be transmitted via tone of voice and body language.
But for all of the downfalls, it occurs to me that there are some redeeming factors favoring technology. When my stepdaughter is consumed by her cell phone or plugged into her ipod, we are less likely to converse. Normally, I would say that that's a bad thing, but these days, our conversations don't seem very pleasant or productive.
Being a teenager is tough enough, but struggling with all of the difficulties of steprelationships must make her life much more complicated than I could ever understand. Every conversation is laden with meaning and emotions that neither of us quite knows how to adequately express. I confess that not conversing seems better than inadvertently starting a futile argument.
As for the unclear text messages, I suppose I'd rather muddle through that than to have to actually speak to "the ex" everytime we must communicate regarding the kids. Texting makes one conserve words and ironically, the fact that her texts can not be clarified by tone of voice or body language is the very thing that makes texting the better choice. Given the very nature of the stepmom/ex relationship, communication is often strained and civil at best. Having to hear her voice often invites missinterpretation and unintended meaning to an otherwise mundane exchange.
I guess the bottom line is that there is something good in just about everything if you look at it in the right light. Step relationships are tough no matter what the sitcoms try to sell us. It's good to hope for the best, but it's more realistic to simply try to avoid the worst when it comes to navigating such rough seas. Be careful out there!
As much as I would like to go on a rant about why kids shouldn't have cell phones, I won't. I'll save that for another blog. I will say, however, that it is bothersome to be with my stepdaughter who isn't really with us because she is absorbed by the multiple conversations going on via text messaging. In my opinion, that's just rude. But I didn't buy her the phone and I'm not her mother, so I'm somewhat limited in my jurisdiction over such matters.
Another thing about texting is the language shortcuts. I've been known to use abbreviations and questionable grammer in order to save character space, but I always try to make sure the message is clear. Not everyone does that. Communicating with stepkids and their "real mom" can be tricky enough, but it gets even worse when you receive an unclear text. Also, texting only provides words, so you lose bits of the message that would normally be transmitted via tone of voice and body language.
But for all of the downfalls, it occurs to me that there are some redeeming factors favoring technology. When my stepdaughter is consumed by her cell phone or plugged into her ipod, we are less likely to converse. Normally, I would say that that's a bad thing, but these days, our conversations don't seem very pleasant or productive.
Being a teenager is tough enough, but struggling with all of the difficulties of steprelationships must make her life much more complicated than I could ever understand. Every conversation is laden with meaning and emotions that neither of us quite knows how to adequately express. I confess that not conversing seems better than inadvertently starting a futile argument.
As for the unclear text messages, I suppose I'd rather muddle through that than to have to actually speak to "the ex" everytime we must communicate regarding the kids. Texting makes one conserve words and ironically, the fact that her texts can not be clarified by tone of voice or body language is the very thing that makes texting the better choice. Given the very nature of the stepmom/ex relationship, communication is often strained and civil at best. Having to hear her voice often invites missinterpretation and unintended meaning to an otherwise mundane exchange.
I guess the bottom line is that there is something good in just about everything if you look at it in the right light. Step relationships are tough no matter what the sitcoms try to sell us. It's good to hope for the best, but it's more realistic to simply try to avoid the worst when it comes to navigating such rough seas. Be careful out there!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Vacation Time
Happy Summer Everyone! Ok, so I know that summer doesn't officially begin until June 21, but Memorial Day is widely regarded as the kick-off to summer vacation,so here we are. This week is the last week of school for my stepkids and we will be heading to the East Coast next week.
This trip is actually my family reunion (for my mother's side), and it will be the first "big" trip since both the kids became teenagers. Pray for us all!! Hahaha... But seriously, I'm sure it will be a bit different from the last trip back east that we took when the kids were about 5 & 6 years old. They didn't have cell phones, ipods, or "attitudes" back then. Ahhhh...the good ol' days:)
Nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to our vacation. One reason for my positive outlook is the knowledge that I do not have unrealistic expectations. The trips we took when the kids were little demanded togetherness. They needed our help doing basic things and they didn't think I was "meddling" or lecturing if I assisted or gave instructions.
It's obvious now, however, that my stepkids are more independent and likely to prefer setting their own agendas. And although my inner-mommy mourns the loss of opportunity to nurture, I realize that I have the freedom to enjoy more R&R, as well as quality chit-chat time with relatives I don't get to see very often.
I am also looking forward to seeing my husband enjoy some quality-time with the kids. He and I get a healthy dose of "couple-time", but it isn't very often that he gets more than 24 hours with them during their visits. And when you factor in sleep, meals, TV, and all the time they spend texting their friends, it's actually much less. I sincerely hope that the three of them make good use of this beach vacation.
I know I'm going to!!
This trip is actually my family reunion (for my mother's side), and it will be the first "big" trip since both the kids became teenagers. Pray for us all!! Hahaha... But seriously, I'm sure it will be a bit different from the last trip back east that we took when the kids were about 5 & 6 years old. They didn't have cell phones, ipods, or "attitudes" back then. Ahhhh...the good ol' days:)
Nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to our vacation. One reason for my positive outlook is the knowledge that I do not have unrealistic expectations. The trips we took when the kids were little demanded togetherness. They needed our help doing basic things and they didn't think I was "meddling" or lecturing if I assisted or gave instructions.
It's obvious now, however, that my stepkids are more independent and likely to prefer setting their own agendas. And although my inner-mommy mourns the loss of opportunity to nurture, I realize that I have the freedom to enjoy more R&R, as well as quality chit-chat time with relatives I don't get to see very often.
I am also looking forward to seeing my husband enjoy some quality-time with the kids. He and I get a healthy dose of "couple-time", but it isn't very often that he gets more than 24 hours with them during their visits. And when you factor in sleep, meals, TV, and all the time they spend texting their friends, it's actually much less. I sincerely hope that the three of them make good use of this beach vacation.
I know I'm going to!!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Getting Help
Being a step-mom can be a really tough gig. Sometimes, it's easy to think that you are the only one going through all of this crap. But that's not true. There are many of us out there fighting the same battles and crying the same tears.
I recently found comfort in a book titled, "Step Motherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked" by Cherie Burns. The irony here is that it was my step-daughter who found it and pointed it out to me in the bookstore. Go figure!
Anyway, from the get-go, I realized this book was going to be a great source of wisdom and reassurance for me. I had a feeling that hearing the stories of other women in my position would somehow help, but I had no idea just how much. I know now that I must seek out other resources and support groups.
It seems that no matter how wonderful your husband is, and no matter how much your mother (or sister, or best friend, or counselor, or pastor...) cares about you, no one can sympathize with your plight like another step-mom. There are just too many factors in play that somehow combine to create situations that seem to defy the very balance of nature.
Ok, so that might sound a little dramatic, but I'll just bet there are some of you out there who know exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I'm getting help. And if you aren't, I suggest you do so ASAP!! Especially if your step-kids are still a big part of your lives.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Time Flies!
Hello again to whoever may be out there reading this...
I know it's been a while since my last post. No excuses, just didn't keep up with it, but I was reminded of this while joining another online group.
So my step-son is now 15 and finishing his freshman year in high school. My step-daughter is 14, recently got her braces off, and will be glad to be a freshman next year.
It's so hard to believe that they were only 4 & 5 years old when I met their father. A year later, we became a "blended family". Just last week, it occurred to me that, from their perspective, I may be simply "Dad's wife" or their on-call taxi service (when no one else is available). Sometimes, they probably think of me more as "that lady who lectures us every time we go to Dad's house." On the flip-side, the two of them seem to have no idea how important they are to me.
Since I don't have any "biological" children yet, all of my motherly instinct is directed toward them whenever they're with us. And on top of that, I'm somewhat of a teacher at heart. I was never cool in my younger days and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be "the life of the party". So it's easy to see why I'm not exactly the kids' favorite person to be around. This seems to be just one more challenge in our relationship.
Being a part-time step-parent means having to deal with children who spend most of their time in an evironment that is very different from your home (or up-bringing, or parenting style). Such is the case with us. It's like we speak a different language and we most certainly have different rules and expectations. Making the transition from "Mom's house" to our house is not easy for any of us.
On the bright side, I've learned not to take things too personally. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve, so this has been a great improvement. Whenever the kids fail to acknowledge something good about me, or they forget my birthday, or they don't wish me a "happy (step-)mother's day", it still hurts my feelings a bit, but it doesn't dig as deep as it used to.
Another thing I've learned is that I can control how I react to their actions toward me. This is a work in progress, but I'm determined to avoid the victim mentality when they say or do something that really bothers me but may not be a big deal to them.
Am I the only one out there having these issues? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone:)
I know it's been a while since my last post. No excuses, just didn't keep up with it, but I was reminded of this while joining another online group.
So my step-son is now 15 and finishing his freshman year in high school. My step-daughter is 14, recently got her braces off, and will be glad to be a freshman next year.
It's so hard to believe that they were only 4 & 5 years old when I met their father. A year later, we became a "blended family". Just last week, it occurred to me that, from their perspective, I may be simply "Dad's wife" or their on-call taxi service (when no one else is available). Sometimes, they probably think of me more as "that lady who lectures us every time we go to Dad's house." On the flip-side, the two of them seem to have no idea how important they are to me.
Since I don't have any "biological" children yet, all of my motherly instinct is directed toward them whenever they're with us. And on top of that, I'm somewhat of a teacher at heart. I was never cool in my younger days and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be "the life of the party". So it's easy to see why I'm not exactly the kids' favorite person to be around. This seems to be just one more challenge in our relationship.
Being a part-time step-parent means having to deal with children who spend most of their time in an evironment that is very different from your home (or up-bringing, or parenting style). Such is the case with us. It's like we speak a different language and we most certainly have different rules and expectations. Making the transition from "Mom's house" to our house is not easy for any of us.
On the bright side, I've learned not to take things too personally. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve, so this has been a great improvement. Whenever the kids fail to acknowledge something good about me, or they forget my birthday, or they don't wish me a "happy (step-)mother's day", it still hurts my feelings a bit, but it doesn't dig as deep as it used to.
Another thing I've learned is that I can control how I react to their actions toward me. This is a work in progress, but I'm determined to avoid the victim mentality when they say or do something that really bothers me but may not be a big deal to them.
Am I the only one out there having these issues? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone:)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
I love almost everything about Spring-time, but I must confess that Mother's Day is a sore spot for me. Not having any children of my own, being a step-mom is the closest I can get for the time being...but does that really qualify?
This is a question I have struggled with in recent years. In the past, we have attended many "Mother's Day" church services and most of the time, an effort is made to acknowledge ALL mothers, including steps. It's always been an uneasy experience for me to stand beside all the "real" moms, accepting praise and recognition along with them.
See, I truly reverence the role of Mother. It is a unique and challenging job that requires much more effort than I have ever had to put forth as a step-mom. Nevertheless, I have high hopes for the kids; I pray for them; I advise them; and I care about what happens to them. Although these are all mom-like qualities, I realize that none of those things has very much to do with Mother's Day.
It seems to me that the whole point of Mother's Day is for moms to be recognized by those who have benefitted from their "mothering". It is a day set aside for "children" of all ages to let their moms know how much they are appreciated.
For the part-time step-moms, our roles are vastly different from that of the "real" Mom or even the step-mom who is a full-time part of their kids' lives. As part-timers, we may very well be just a tiny fraction of all that matters to the kids, and therefore we'll likely not be recognized or truly appreciated for our "motherhood" until the kids are grown. And that's ok...or at least it might as well be.
As for me, I'd rather not receive any recognition or praise or gifts unless they are given with heartfelt sincerity. Otherwise, it would all just be empty gestures prompted by feelings of guilty obligation. Somehow, such gestures lack all of the warm & fuzzy-ness that make special days seem not-so-special.
So "Happy Mother's Day" to all of you part-timers who are truly blessed to be recognized as mothers. And for the rest...hang in there! Just be the best step you can be everyday...that's what makes you special :)
This is a question I have struggled with in recent years. In the past, we have attended many "Mother's Day" church services and most of the time, an effort is made to acknowledge ALL mothers, including steps. It's always been an uneasy experience for me to stand beside all the "real" moms, accepting praise and recognition along with them.
See, I truly reverence the role of Mother. It is a unique and challenging job that requires much more effort than I have ever had to put forth as a step-mom. Nevertheless, I have high hopes for the kids; I pray for them; I advise them; and I care about what happens to them. Although these are all mom-like qualities, I realize that none of those things has very much to do with Mother's Day.
It seems to me that the whole point of Mother's Day is for moms to be recognized by those who have benefitted from their "mothering". It is a day set aside for "children" of all ages to let their moms know how much they are appreciated.
For the part-time step-moms, our roles are vastly different from that of the "real" Mom or even the step-mom who is a full-time part of their kids' lives. As part-timers, we may very well be just a tiny fraction of all that matters to the kids, and therefore we'll likely not be recognized or truly appreciated for our "motherhood" until the kids are grown. And that's ok...or at least it might as well be.
As for me, I'd rather not receive any recognition or praise or gifts unless they are given with heartfelt sincerity. Otherwise, it would all just be empty gestures prompted by feelings of guilty obligation. Somehow, such gestures lack all of the warm & fuzzy-ness that make special days seem not-so-special.
So "Happy Mother's Day" to all of you part-timers who are truly blessed to be recognized as mothers. And for the rest...hang in there! Just be the best step you can be everyday...that's what makes you special :)
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