Identity Crisis

So you know how they say, "looks aren't everything"? Well, of course that's true, but I never realized how much someone's looks could affect how you feel about her. I am referring to the fact that my step-daughter looks sooooooo much like her mother! The older she gets, the more she resembles my husband's ex and everytime I see her lately, I struggle because I realize that I shouldn't hold that against her. Actually, it really isn't all about the physical appearance. It's really more about her mannerisms. She's beginning to sound, act, and think more like her mother all the time.
I suppose that is the beauty of procreation...people have children who end up having so many of their own characteristics, it's amazing. But for this step-mom, the challenge is remembering that the daughter is NOT the mother, even if it's getting harder and harder to tell the difference.
My step-daughter is beginning to shift from little girl to teenager. In the process, she's getting a life of her own, so to speak. Her interests change constantly, and her attitude is predictable, so it's really tough to get to know the "real" her these days. I guess, while she's trying to figure out exactly who she is and what she's really all about, I will do my best to give her the courtesy of not assuming that she is just like her mother...even though sometimes it's tough to tell the difference.
Please share your stories about the "look-alikes" in your life:)

False Accusations

Have you ever been falsely accused by the ex or the kids? If so, what happened and how did you handle it?
In my case, I was not actually accused of doing something improper, but the implication was undeniable. The ex made it known that she would rather have my step-son be at her house, by himself, than to have him spend even a couple of hours with me if my husband and/or step-daughter were not going to be at our house. I was angry and deeply hurt!
I have always treated both kids the way I believe I would treat my own. Is it wrong for a mother to be alone in a house with her son? Of course not.
But it's different because he isn't my son.
One of the most frustrating aspects of this part time step parenting is the double standards. I mean, it's ok for me to do certain "motherly" tasks such as cooking their meals, washing their dirty dishes, and chauffeuring them to practices and appointments, but that's about it. My opinions about how to help the kids with their problems are not only disregarded, they are completely unappreciated even though I sincerely care about the kids' well-being. But I digress.
Up until now, the only incident that has come close to a false accusation was when the kids developed a rash...several days after leaving our house. The ex wanted to know if I had washed their clothes, maybe in a new detergent. I suppose that was a reasonable question, but at the time, I was tempted to take it as an insult because I was hurt. Again, I try to do things that improve the health of my "family"--like buying detergent free of perfumes, dyes, etc--so even the suggestion that something I might have done (in an effort to help lighten the ex's laundry load) could have caused their rashes was upsetting to me.
Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it is difficult enough to avoid getting roped into the image of the Wicked Step-Mother without unwarranted expectations of foul play.
I hope this incident doesn't mark the beginning of a new pattern.
So far, I have not made a big issue of her comments and her apparent belief that her son is not safe in my care unless a chaperone is present. But how would you feel? What would you do?
My theory is that trying to "clear my name" would only create more drama. I have done nothing wrong, so I have no need to defend myself.
But by making her position known, she has potentially made things a little more complicated for herself.
Just a few days before the unspoken accusation, she asked me to take her son to a practice. This required me to be with him in the van-without the supervision of his sister. But now that I know she truly doesn't trust me, I am no longer qualified to perform this service for her. In the future, she will have to make other arrangements or he won't be able to go.
Any thoughts?

No Trash Talk

After viewing some other sites dealing with step-parenting, I realized that some of you might be tempted to use this blog as an opportunity to "trash the ex" or bad-mouth the kids for something they have done. Please don't!
While I admit that sometimes my emotions can get the best of me, I am going to attempt to keep this blog as civil and professional as I can--especially when discussing The Ex. If you are a step parent, you should be adult enough to do the same.
Good Rule of Thumb: Don't say anything here that you wouldn't say to the subject of your comments!
~Lynn

Welcome Part-time Steps!!

Welcome Part-time Step Parents!

I am a part-time step-mother of two: a 14 year-old boy and 12 year-old girl. As of May 2010, I will have been a step parent for eight years. Although my perspective is that of a step-MOM, I enthusiastically invite part-time step-dads to share their stories and advice. Let's face it, we need all the help we can get!

I use the "part-time" distiction for several reasons:

1. The step-parent/child relationship is defined by the family dynamic. When children live with a parent and step-parent full-time, rules, routines and relationships can be clearly defined. When children are "visiting" the non-custodial parent and the part-time step parent, things are a little different!

2. Being a part-time step parent usually means having to "deal with" your spouse's ex (or their full-time custodian). This brings about all kinds of potentially unpleasant situations.

3. Many step-parents do not have children of their own. This means that, when the children are with you, you are expected to behave as a parent, but you do not have the luxury of always being the parent you think you would be with your own children. I say this because children are molded by the people around them the most. When your step-children are raised by custodial parents who have very different lifestyles, they will behave differently than if they had been raised by you and their behavior will influence your "parenting style".

I suppose you could use this blog as a form of free therapy, unless you count the amount of time it will cost you:)

I have learned a lot in the last seven years, but as the kids get older, I find myself in new, and sometimes frustrating, territory. Maybe some of you have been here already? If you have, I hope you will share some wisdom with those of us in the midst of the turbulence and those who are still wiping runny noses, but can see the teenage years on the horizon.

With all of the negativity that seems to loom over the image of the step-parent, I would like to share one of my greatest victories thus far in my carreer as a Step-Mom: I have never been told by either child, "You can't tell me what to do!! You're not my mom!!!"

I think that is a good way to end my first post. Please share any thoughts, stories, advice, warnings, or anything else you can think of that might encourage the rest of us!

Thanks and God Bless!