I am embarrassed to admit that I have found fault with the way my stepkids have done certain things, only to realize later that my husband does those things the same way. I will spare you a list of all of my nit-picky, OCD pet-peeves, but one example of this is the way they hang up their bath towels after a shower.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a "woman of the house" thing, but I prefer wet towels to be neatly hung so that they have a chance to dry out properly before the next use. It's a fact that if towels are hung on a rod in a bunched-up manner, they will take a very long time to dry, if they get dry at all. Now, I'm no Heloise or Martha Stewart, but I do know that damp fabrics tend to sour over time. I know it's not the end of civilization as we know it, but it's icky and sloppy in my book.
The point is, it really bothered me when the kids didn't take the time to hang their towels neatly. I'm sure I've fussed with them about this in the past, but I've since learned to pick my battles. Now I just fix it myself. But then one day, when the kids weren't around, I noticed that my husband had left his towel hung half-heartedly on the rod. Now, I'm positive that he's been doing that for at least as long as I've known him, but this was the first time I really noticed.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was not being fair to the kids. They were sloppy and bothersome because they didn't do things the way I do, but it never bothered me when my husband behaved the same way. I realize that some women would read their husbands the riot act over something as trivial as wet towels hung improperly (or dirty laundry in the wrong place, or crumbs on the counter after making a sandwich), but that's not my style.
As the Christian wife of a Christian man, I am duly submitted to him and I recognize his authority over me. Therefore, it is not my place to scold my husband for what I might consider a minor annoyance. He is the head of the household and I don't mind tidying up after him if needed. (Note to Women's Lib-ers: I don't need to be liberated from male oppression and please don't send hate mail!)But if it's ok for my husband to do something, why should it be wrong for his kids to do the same thing?
I just want to encourage other stepmoms to recognize those situations that create double-standards in your homes. If your husband is doing something you dislike, discuss it with him. If his kids do the same thing, discuss it with him. Together you will be able to address the problem without you becoming the proverbial wicked stepmother.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Technology: A Blessing in Disguise?
One thing I've learned in my stepmom journey is that being involved with other people's children is a great way to determine how you would raise your own. Since I haven't got any of my own at this time, I can only say how I think I would handle certain things. For instance, I don't think I would spend the money for my adolescent child to have a cell phone or an ipod. Ok, so maybe I would concede to some sort of mp3 player (after all, I had a walkman back in the day), but it would likely be an inexpensive one and my child would have to work to earn money for itunes downloads.
As much as I would like to go on a rant about why kids shouldn't have cell phones, I won't. I'll save that for another blog. I will say, however, that it is bothersome to be with my stepdaughter who isn't really with us because she is absorbed by the multiple conversations going on via text messaging. In my opinion, that's just rude. But I didn't buy her the phone and I'm not her mother, so I'm somewhat limited in my jurisdiction over such matters.
Another thing about texting is the language shortcuts. I've been known to use abbreviations and questionable grammer in order to save character space, but I always try to make sure the message is clear. Not everyone does that. Communicating with stepkids and their "real mom" can be tricky enough, but it gets even worse when you receive an unclear text. Also, texting only provides words, so you lose bits of the message that would normally be transmitted via tone of voice and body language.
But for all of the downfalls, it occurs to me that there are some redeeming factors favoring technology. When my stepdaughter is consumed by her cell phone or plugged into her ipod, we are less likely to converse. Normally, I would say that that's a bad thing, but these days, our conversations don't seem very pleasant or productive.
Being a teenager is tough enough, but struggling with all of the difficulties of steprelationships must make her life much more complicated than I could ever understand. Every conversation is laden with meaning and emotions that neither of us quite knows how to adequately express. I confess that not conversing seems better than inadvertently starting a futile argument.
As for the unclear text messages, I suppose I'd rather muddle through that than to have to actually speak to "the ex" everytime we must communicate regarding the kids. Texting makes one conserve words and ironically, the fact that her texts can not be clarified by tone of voice or body language is the very thing that makes texting the better choice. Given the very nature of the stepmom/ex relationship, communication is often strained and civil at best. Having to hear her voice often invites missinterpretation and unintended meaning to an otherwise mundane exchange.
I guess the bottom line is that there is something good in just about everything if you look at it in the right light. Step relationships are tough no matter what the sitcoms try to sell us. It's good to hope for the best, but it's more realistic to simply try to avoid the worst when it comes to navigating such rough seas. Be careful out there!
As much as I would like to go on a rant about why kids shouldn't have cell phones, I won't. I'll save that for another blog. I will say, however, that it is bothersome to be with my stepdaughter who isn't really with us because she is absorbed by the multiple conversations going on via text messaging. In my opinion, that's just rude. But I didn't buy her the phone and I'm not her mother, so I'm somewhat limited in my jurisdiction over such matters.
Another thing about texting is the language shortcuts. I've been known to use abbreviations and questionable grammer in order to save character space, but I always try to make sure the message is clear. Not everyone does that. Communicating with stepkids and their "real mom" can be tricky enough, but it gets even worse when you receive an unclear text. Also, texting only provides words, so you lose bits of the message that would normally be transmitted via tone of voice and body language.
But for all of the downfalls, it occurs to me that there are some redeeming factors favoring technology. When my stepdaughter is consumed by her cell phone or plugged into her ipod, we are less likely to converse. Normally, I would say that that's a bad thing, but these days, our conversations don't seem very pleasant or productive.
Being a teenager is tough enough, but struggling with all of the difficulties of steprelationships must make her life much more complicated than I could ever understand. Every conversation is laden with meaning and emotions that neither of us quite knows how to adequately express. I confess that not conversing seems better than inadvertently starting a futile argument.
As for the unclear text messages, I suppose I'd rather muddle through that than to have to actually speak to "the ex" everytime we must communicate regarding the kids. Texting makes one conserve words and ironically, the fact that her texts can not be clarified by tone of voice or body language is the very thing that makes texting the better choice. Given the very nature of the stepmom/ex relationship, communication is often strained and civil at best. Having to hear her voice often invites missinterpretation and unintended meaning to an otherwise mundane exchange.
I guess the bottom line is that there is something good in just about everything if you look at it in the right light. Step relationships are tough no matter what the sitcoms try to sell us. It's good to hope for the best, but it's more realistic to simply try to avoid the worst when it comes to navigating such rough seas. Be careful out there!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Vacation Time
Happy Summer Everyone! Ok, so I know that summer doesn't officially begin until June 21, but Memorial Day is widely regarded as the kick-off to summer vacation,so here we are. This week is the last week of school for my stepkids and we will be heading to the East Coast next week.
This trip is actually my family reunion (for my mother's side), and it will be the first "big" trip since both the kids became teenagers. Pray for us all!! Hahaha... But seriously, I'm sure it will be a bit different from the last trip back east that we took when the kids were about 5 & 6 years old. They didn't have cell phones, ipods, or "attitudes" back then. Ahhhh...the good ol' days:)
Nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to our vacation. One reason for my positive outlook is the knowledge that I do not have unrealistic expectations. The trips we took when the kids were little demanded togetherness. They needed our help doing basic things and they didn't think I was "meddling" or lecturing if I assisted or gave instructions.
It's obvious now, however, that my stepkids are more independent and likely to prefer setting their own agendas. And although my inner-mommy mourns the loss of opportunity to nurture, I realize that I have the freedom to enjoy more R&R, as well as quality chit-chat time with relatives I don't get to see very often.
I am also looking forward to seeing my husband enjoy some quality-time with the kids. He and I get a healthy dose of "couple-time", but it isn't very often that he gets more than 24 hours with them during their visits. And when you factor in sleep, meals, TV, and all the time they spend texting their friends, it's actually much less. I sincerely hope that the three of them make good use of this beach vacation.
I know I'm going to!!
This trip is actually my family reunion (for my mother's side), and it will be the first "big" trip since both the kids became teenagers. Pray for us all!! Hahaha... But seriously, I'm sure it will be a bit different from the last trip back east that we took when the kids were about 5 & 6 years old. They didn't have cell phones, ipods, or "attitudes" back then. Ahhhh...the good ol' days:)
Nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to our vacation. One reason for my positive outlook is the knowledge that I do not have unrealistic expectations. The trips we took when the kids were little demanded togetherness. They needed our help doing basic things and they didn't think I was "meddling" or lecturing if I assisted or gave instructions.
It's obvious now, however, that my stepkids are more independent and likely to prefer setting their own agendas. And although my inner-mommy mourns the loss of opportunity to nurture, I realize that I have the freedom to enjoy more R&R, as well as quality chit-chat time with relatives I don't get to see very often.
I am also looking forward to seeing my husband enjoy some quality-time with the kids. He and I get a healthy dose of "couple-time", but it isn't very often that he gets more than 24 hours with them during their visits. And when you factor in sleep, meals, TV, and all the time they spend texting their friends, it's actually much less. I sincerely hope that the three of them make good use of this beach vacation.
I know I'm going to!!
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