As If They Were My Own

I have often said that I treat my stepkids like I would treat my own children. Perhaps that is not an accurate assertion. The fact is, I don't know exactly how I would treat my own children because I don't have any yet. It would be more truthful to say that I treat my stepkids the way I THINK I would treat my own.

Why is it important to acknowledge this subtle difference? It is possible that I might be much more forgiving or indulgent toward my own biological offspring--especially since I would be an older first-time mom. Then again, my age might provide me with the wisdom to know better than a younger mom when it is ok to indulge or pamper and when it is necessary to say "no" and stand firm.

But since step relationships are completely different from natural ones, comparing parenting techniques is not helpful. The only situation that calls for careful attention to this matter is when a stepmom is parenting both her stepkids and her natural children at the same time. For example, if you are on a family outing, it would not be wise to let your own children indulge in foods that your stepkids are not allowed to eat. You can explain to your kids why certain rules may change when the stepkids are visiting so that everyone is on the same page.

Try to be mindful of their custodial parents' preferences, especially if they are stricter than you. If your stepkids are used to a much more liberal environment, have your spouse discuss with them why certain activities are not allowed in you home. Your spouse's ex may tolerate aggression and foul language, but you don't. Neither you nor your spouse can control how the kids are treated in their "other" home, but you can establish boundaries and set the tone during their visits with you.

One caveat: The way we treat our stepkids may have more to do with our own personalities and desires than those of the kids. Don't forget that they are people too, no matter what their ages. If you have a young stepdaughter who is a tomboy, don't try to force her to wear dresses that you think cute little girls should wear. Help her express herself with clothes and activities that suit her. By pushing your preferences on her, you will be letting her know that there is something wrong with the way she wants to be. Save the dresses for when your own little princess comes along. Who knows? Maybe she won't like them either!

If you are kind and fair and sensitive to your stepkids' needs, you are on the right path. However, if this concept is proving difficult to exercise, just ask yourself this question: How would I want to be treated?

When to Speak Up

While a stepmom must often remind herself that the kids in her life are the responsibility of their dad and their "real" mom, there are times when she feels that something important should be said. The key word there being "important". Unfortunately, there are no rules set in stone telling us what qualifies.

Sometimes I can tell when there has been a major breakdown in communication between my husband, his ex, and the kids. For example: He tells the kids about plans for the next visit, but he doesn't tell his ex. The kids don't tell her either. The ex makes other plans. When the next visit comes around, everyone is confused and possibly aggravated. Unnecessary drama ensues. When things like that happen, I will discuss my observations with my husband. But timing is everything! Usually I have to wait until the dust settles and then I will gently make suggestions on how similar problems might be avoided in the future.

Every situation will be different. How and when you intervene will depend on the personalities of the others involved, as well as the level of danger to the kids' well-being. Don't be afraid to speak up right away if you sense that the kids will be in harm's way or if they are getting involved in something illegal. You may pick up on these things quicker than parents who see their kids through rose-colored glasses.

More often than not, it is best to discuss your concerns with your husband and let him decide how to confront his ex. Perhaps he can deal with the problem on his own. Butting in just to make yourself heard will often do more harm than good.

Time to Think

I spend a great deal of time thinking about various issues involving the kids. It might be something I wish I hadn't said or done, or maybe something I wish they hadn't said or done. It might be making plans for our next visit, or wondering if they had a good time during the last visit.

My husband has said that I have an obsession. It's easy to let your mind just go, but at some point, you catch yourself dwelling too long on things over which you have no control. Since no good can come from that, I've learned to ask myself, "What can you do about it?" Most of the time, the answer is, "Nothing" or, "It's really none of my business."

I think the key is to interrupt the mental boondoggle and put things into perspective. When we take the kids back to their mother on Sunday night, I have two whole weeks before I really have to focus on them again. Why should I spend the majority of that time pondering all of the what-ifs and maybes that I'll probably forget about anyway by the time I pick them up again?

The phrase that sums it up best is, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." As much as I care about the kids, I've got plenty of other things to think about in the meantime.

The Helpful Husband

Stepmoms can often feel isolated when it comes to their challenges. No one else in the family has quite the same perspective on the dynamics at work when the group is all together. But if the father does not have full custody, it's highly possible that he struggles with some of the same issues as the stepmom.

Any married couple should approach tough issues as a team, but this is especially true when dealing with "his kids" who may not feel at home because they spend most of their time with their biological mother. As a stepmom, I am aware of some of difficulties my husband faces such as, child support, loss of control when the kids are with their mother, limited quality time, etc. But how much does he know about my struggles as a stepmom?

In an earlier post, I mentioned a book that has helped me, but I'm hoping it will help my husband as well. He is now reading it in order to gain a better understanding of what I go through as a stepmom. I am so blessed that he is willing to explore this subject further. Oh sure, we've discussed this topic before, but as he reads about others in the same proverbial boat, he'll realize that it's not "just me" and that I'm not just getting bent out of shape for no good reason. The more he understands what it's like for me, the easier it will be for him to help me become the best stepmom I can be.

Whether you decide to research together, or simply discuss things over a cup of coffee, you should do whatever it takes to help your teammate, because having a successful stepfamily is much tougher than winning any game!