Recognizing the Unfamiliar

Divorce is certainly nothing new, but being commonplace doesn't make it any easier to handle. My parents would be the first to admit that their marriage was far from perfect when I was growing up, but they got some help and managed to stay together. I don't recall ever feeling unsure about the stability of their marriage, so I can't even imagine what it must be like for kids who have endured the divorce of their parents.

I sometimes remind myself that not having such stability has surely affected my stepkids. At this stage of their lives, they may not have the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to verbally express their feelings about that, but I'm certain that the effects manifest in one form or another.

Unless you are a child of divorce, you can only guess what your stepkids are going through. But you don't have to understand all about it in order to be sensitive to their problems. Once the kids are old enough and your relationship with them reaches the point where they will confide in you, perhaps you can frankly discuss how they were affected and why they behaved the way they did. Until then, perhaps it is enough to adjust your expectations and remember that they did not have the advantages of a happy home life.

The Christian Stepmom

In one of my first posts, I mentioned that I didn't want this blog to be a place to trash-talk the kids or the ex. That got me to thinking about other unpleasant things we might like to do because of the challenges of being a stepparent. For me, it's easy to want to judge the ex and criticize her life choices or blame her (or the kids) for problems that affect our lives. Sometimes it's tempting to let the drama come between me and my husband. There are many opportunities to misbehave.

As a Christian, my conduct should always reflect my love for God and my devotion to His word. But I am also human, which means that my thoughts and desires are often contrary to the teachings of Christ. God knows all about the problems in my life, but He still wants me to live in a way that represents Him well. I truly believe that many people want nothing to do with God because of how certain Christians have behaved. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be the kind of person who gives Christianity a bad reputation.

It may be tough to balance the unpleasantries of stepmotherhood with the lifestyle of righteousness, but it is not impossible. We can choose to do the right thing, even if we don't want to. Sometimes it helps to know that God loves us despite our faults and He forgives us even when others won't. And I have a hunch, that when we choose to deal with our stepmom challenges His way, life just might be a lot more peaceful.

Back to School

It is so hard to believe that both of my stepkids are now in high school! They've really come a long way since I first met them at the ages of 4 & 5. But for all of the things they have learned over the years, there are so many more that they'll need to learn before they become adults.

I want to cram all of life's lessons into what little time they spend with us because I realize that it won't be long before they'll be "on their own". Unfortunately, my opportunities to teach are hampered by the fact that the kids have entered that stage of life where they don't seem to want to be taught--at least by grown-ups, that is.

I know that from this point on, most of what they learn will be from their own life experiences and from the school of hard knocks. Hopefully they won't get too many bumps and bruises along the way. And hopefully they will remember some of the important things we taught them during their visits with us.

Before they venture out into the real world, our stepkids should know that we are interested in what they are learning, both in school and in life. Though our time with the kids may be limited, stepparents can help their spouses by getting involved with schoolwork and extra-curricular activities, especially when their natural parents are unable to do so. Maybe when the kids are grown, they will remember that we were there for them and that we helped them become respectable, well-equipped adults.

Consider This

As stepparents, it is important for us to consider how our words and actions will affect the other members of our family. Sometimes the things we say and do can be misinterpreted simply because of our peculiar role. I hope that none of you are intentionally stirring up messes with your stepkids and/or their natural parents, but I do understand if you inadvertently cause trouble from time to time.

We should be extra careful when it comes to the ex. Depending on your situation, you may need to remind yourself often that ex-spouses are people too. They have feelings and rights just like everyone else, and although you may not be able to control the thoughts that pop into your head, you can make an effort to control what comes out of your mouth.

There may be moments with the kids when you are tempted to make comments or reveal facts about your spouse's ex. Maybe you just want to set the record straight or present "the other side of the story", but be aware that you are treading on a potential minefield. Stop and think about how that might come back to haunt you.

Even when you make a joke or agree with something the kids have said, you may find out--after the fact--that such things are deemed inappropriate coming from you. Let's face it, the rules are different for us. Natural parents can get away with things we dare not attempt.

I recall a time when I gave my stepdaughter a friendly pat on the leg. She immediately recoiled and (joking, but not really) said, "OWW! Don't hit me!" When her daddy did the same thing, she giggled and hugged him.

We may not get everything right all the time, but who does? All I'm saying is that we stepparents need to err on the side of caution. Hopefully, thinking before you say or do will help you avoid unnecessary drama.