Farewell 2011

Ok, so I know I've been slacking lately, but here it is, the last post of 2011...

I hope you will come back in 2012 to see how things are progressing in my step-parenting journey. Like with most everything else in life, we learn from our experiences. Hopefully, I will not make the same mistakes next year, but I'm sure I will have new challenges.

My stepson just turned 16 and my stepdaughter will be 15 in the spring. They're not really "kids" anymore, so they'll be facing new challenges as well. I'm looking forward to seeing what the new year has in store for them and I hope I'll be able to help them along the way.

A stepparent's job is difficult to define and even harder to perform successfully. We can't really be their parents and we aren't supposed to be their friends. We're not blood relatives, but we ARE family. In a perfect world, we wouldn't even exist. But here we are, trying to educate like teachers, encourage like friends, and love like parents.

I'm reminded of seed, time, and harvest. Our seed is the effort we put forth to enrich the lives of our spouses' children. In time, we will reap the harvest, which hopefully will be abundantly blessed relationships with people who will be better for having known us.

Nothing New

I know it's been a while since my last post. Honestly, I just haven't been too inspired on the subject of stepparenting lately. But that's got me thinking that perhaps, like most relationships, ours go through cycles and growth spurts.

When something new happens, it may take some time to learn and adjust, but eventually everything evens out again. And because we get better aquainted with eachother's personalities over time, we may no longer take issue with things that once drove us crazy. We learn to adapt and test the waters before getting in over our heads.

As the adult part of the equation, it's good for us to remember that youth--no matter what age--is trying and difficult. But that's not a bad thing. We learned from our trials and so with they. Let's just be patient in the mean time and realize there is really nothing new going on and the sun will rise again...and if it doesn't, nothing else will matter anyway.

Properly Folded Linens & Other Things That Really Don't Matter

Warning: If you're a bit obsessive-compulsive about your housework, you may not want to read this!

As a woman and a homebody, I understand the need to insist that all chores around the house be done a certain way. But here's a little secret: It doesn't have to be that way! In fact, you will likely get more help if you loosen the reigns a bit and give your stepkids the freedom to do things their way.

Let's face it; the idea of asking your stepkids to do chores can often be a dicey game anyway. It won't kill you to resist the urge to hover over them, making sure they're "doing it right".

After all, if the goal of washing dishes is to get the dishes clean, what does it matter how they do it?

Preparing for the Positive

When we have experienced rough patches with our stepkids in the past, it can be easy to dread future visits and all the things that might go wrong.

They won't like what we're having for supper.
They won't enjoy the activities we have planned.
They'll get upset if we enforce rules they don't have at their other house.
They'll be resentful that they can't be with their friends during our weekend.

Truth be told, no one can predict the future when it comes to stepfamilies. So why start the visit off with a negative mindset? Maybe the kids have had a stressful week (or two) and they're ready for a change of pace. Whatever your mood is when they arrive, the kids will pick up on it.

Although you have no control over how they react to your mood, you can certainly tip the scales in favor of a good--if not perfect--visit by developing a positive mindset before they come.

Recognizing the Unfamiliar

Divorce is certainly nothing new, but being commonplace doesn't make it any easier to handle. My parents would be the first to admit that their marriage was far from perfect when I was growing up, but they got some help and managed to stay together. I don't recall ever feeling unsure about the stability of their marriage, so I can't even imagine what it must be like for kids who have endured the divorce of their parents.

I sometimes remind myself that not having such stability has surely affected my stepkids. At this stage of their lives, they may not have the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to verbally express their feelings about that, but I'm certain that the effects manifest in one form or another.

Unless you are a child of divorce, you can only guess what your stepkids are going through. But you don't have to understand all about it in order to be sensitive to their problems. Once the kids are old enough and your relationship with them reaches the point where they will confide in you, perhaps you can frankly discuss how they were affected and why they behaved the way they did. Until then, perhaps it is enough to adjust your expectations and remember that they did not have the advantages of a happy home life.

The Christian Stepmom

In one of my first posts, I mentioned that I didn't want this blog to be a place to trash-talk the kids or the ex. That got me to thinking about other unpleasant things we might like to do because of the challenges of being a stepparent. For me, it's easy to want to judge the ex and criticize her life choices or blame her (or the kids) for problems that affect our lives. Sometimes it's tempting to let the drama come between me and my husband. There are many opportunities to misbehave.

As a Christian, my conduct should always reflect my love for God and my devotion to His word. But I am also human, which means that my thoughts and desires are often contrary to the teachings of Christ. God knows all about the problems in my life, but He still wants me to live in a way that represents Him well. I truly believe that many people want nothing to do with God because of how certain Christians have behaved. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be the kind of person who gives Christianity a bad reputation.

It may be tough to balance the unpleasantries of stepmotherhood with the lifestyle of righteousness, but it is not impossible. We can choose to do the right thing, even if we don't want to. Sometimes it helps to know that God loves us despite our faults and He forgives us even when others won't. And I have a hunch, that when we choose to deal with our stepmom challenges His way, life just might be a lot more peaceful.

Back to School

It is so hard to believe that both of my stepkids are now in high school! They've really come a long way since I first met them at the ages of 4 & 5. But for all of the things they have learned over the years, there are so many more that they'll need to learn before they become adults.

I want to cram all of life's lessons into what little time they spend with us because I realize that it won't be long before they'll be "on their own". Unfortunately, my opportunities to teach are hampered by the fact that the kids have entered that stage of life where they don't seem to want to be taught--at least by grown-ups, that is.

I know that from this point on, most of what they learn will be from their own life experiences and from the school of hard knocks. Hopefully they won't get too many bumps and bruises along the way. And hopefully they will remember some of the important things we taught them during their visits with us.

Before they venture out into the real world, our stepkids should know that we are interested in what they are learning, both in school and in life. Though our time with the kids may be limited, stepparents can help their spouses by getting involved with schoolwork and extra-curricular activities, especially when their natural parents are unable to do so. Maybe when the kids are grown, they will remember that we were there for them and that we helped them become respectable, well-equipped adults.

Consider This

As stepparents, it is important for us to consider how our words and actions will affect the other members of our family. Sometimes the things we say and do can be misinterpreted simply because of our peculiar role. I hope that none of you are intentionally stirring up messes with your stepkids and/or their natural parents, but I do understand if you inadvertently cause trouble from time to time.

We should be extra careful when it comes to the ex. Depending on your situation, you may need to remind yourself often that ex-spouses are people too. They have feelings and rights just like everyone else, and although you may not be able to control the thoughts that pop into your head, you can make an effort to control what comes out of your mouth.

There may be moments with the kids when you are tempted to make comments or reveal facts about your spouse's ex. Maybe you just want to set the record straight or present "the other side of the story", but be aware that you are treading on a potential minefield. Stop and think about how that might come back to haunt you.

Even when you make a joke or agree with something the kids have said, you may find out--after the fact--that such things are deemed inappropriate coming from you. Let's face it, the rules are different for us. Natural parents can get away with things we dare not attempt.

I recall a time when I gave my stepdaughter a friendly pat on the leg. She immediately recoiled and (joking, but not really) said, "OWW! Don't hit me!" When her daddy did the same thing, she giggled and hugged him.

We may not get everything right all the time, but who does? All I'm saying is that we stepparents need to err on the side of caution. Hopefully, thinking before you say or do will help you avoid unnecessary drama.

As If They Were My Own

I have often said that I treat my stepkids like I would treat my own children. Perhaps that is not an accurate assertion. The fact is, I don't know exactly how I would treat my own children because I don't have any yet. It would be more truthful to say that I treat my stepkids the way I THINK I would treat my own.

Why is it important to acknowledge this subtle difference? It is possible that I might be much more forgiving or indulgent toward my own biological offspring--especially since I would be an older first-time mom. Then again, my age might provide me with the wisdom to know better than a younger mom when it is ok to indulge or pamper and when it is necessary to say "no" and stand firm.

But since step relationships are completely different from natural ones, comparing parenting techniques is not helpful. The only situation that calls for careful attention to this matter is when a stepmom is parenting both her stepkids and her natural children at the same time. For example, if you are on a family outing, it would not be wise to let your own children indulge in foods that your stepkids are not allowed to eat. You can explain to your kids why certain rules may change when the stepkids are visiting so that everyone is on the same page.

Try to be mindful of their custodial parents' preferences, especially if they are stricter than you. If your stepkids are used to a much more liberal environment, have your spouse discuss with them why certain activities are not allowed in you home. Your spouse's ex may tolerate aggression and foul language, but you don't. Neither you nor your spouse can control how the kids are treated in their "other" home, but you can establish boundaries and set the tone during their visits with you.

One caveat: The way we treat our stepkids may have more to do with our own personalities and desires than those of the kids. Don't forget that they are people too, no matter what their ages. If you have a young stepdaughter who is a tomboy, don't try to force her to wear dresses that you think cute little girls should wear. Help her express herself with clothes and activities that suit her. By pushing your preferences on her, you will be letting her know that there is something wrong with the way she wants to be. Save the dresses for when your own little princess comes along. Who knows? Maybe she won't like them either!

If you are kind and fair and sensitive to your stepkids' needs, you are on the right path. However, if this concept is proving difficult to exercise, just ask yourself this question: How would I want to be treated?

When to Speak Up

While a stepmom must often remind herself that the kids in her life are the responsibility of their dad and their "real" mom, there are times when she feels that something important should be said. The key word there being "important". Unfortunately, there are no rules set in stone telling us what qualifies.

Sometimes I can tell when there has been a major breakdown in communication between my husband, his ex, and the kids. For example: He tells the kids about plans for the next visit, but he doesn't tell his ex. The kids don't tell her either. The ex makes other plans. When the next visit comes around, everyone is confused and possibly aggravated. Unnecessary drama ensues. When things like that happen, I will discuss my observations with my husband. But timing is everything! Usually I have to wait until the dust settles and then I will gently make suggestions on how similar problems might be avoided in the future.

Every situation will be different. How and when you intervene will depend on the personalities of the others involved, as well as the level of danger to the kids' well-being. Don't be afraid to speak up right away if you sense that the kids will be in harm's way or if they are getting involved in something illegal. You may pick up on these things quicker than parents who see their kids through rose-colored glasses.

More often than not, it is best to discuss your concerns with your husband and let him decide how to confront his ex. Perhaps he can deal with the problem on his own. Butting in just to make yourself heard will often do more harm than good.

Time to Think

I spend a great deal of time thinking about various issues involving the kids. It might be something I wish I hadn't said or done, or maybe something I wish they hadn't said or done. It might be making plans for our next visit, or wondering if they had a good time during the last visit.

My husband has said that I have an obsession. It's easy to let your mind just go, but at some point, you catch yourself dwelling too long on things over which you have no control. Since no good can come from that, I've learned to ask myself, "What can you do about it?" Most of the time, the answer is, "Nothing" or, "It's really none of my business."

I think the key is to interrupt the mental boondoggle and put things into perspective. When we take the kids back to their mother on Sunday night, I have two whole weeks before I really have to focus on them again. Why should I spend the majority of that time pondering all of the what-ifs and maybes that I'll probably forget about anyway by the time I pick them up again?

The phrase that sums it up best is, "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." As much as I care about the kids, I've got plenty of other things to think about in the meantime.

The Helpful Husband

Stepmoms can often feel isolated when it comes to their challenges. No one else in the family has quite the same perspective on the dynamics at work when the group is all together. But if the father does not have full custody, it's highly possible that he struggles with some of the same issues as the stepmom.

Any married couple should approach tough issues as a team, but this is especially true when dealing with "his kids" who may not feel at home because they spend most of their time with their biological mother. As a stepmom, I am aware of some of difficulties my husband faces such as, child support, loss of control when the kids are with their mother, limited quality time, etc. But how much does he know about my struggles as a stepmom?

In an earlier post, I mentioned a book that has helped me, but I'm hoping it will help my husband as well. He is now reading it in order to gain a better understanding of what I go through as a stepmom. I am so blessed that he is willing to explore this subject further. Oh sure, we've discussed this topic before, but as he reads about others in the same proverbial boat, he'll realize that it's not "just me" and that I'm not just getting bent out of shape for no good reason. The more he understands what it's like for me, the easier it will be for him to help me become the best stepmom I can be.

Whether you decide to research together, or simply discuss things over a cup of coffee, you should do whatever it takes to help your teammate, because having a successful stepfamily is much tougher than winning any game!

Double-Standards

I am embarrassed to admit that I have found fault with the way my stepkids have done certain things, only to realize later that my husband does those things the same way. I will spare you a list of all of my nit-picky, OCD pet-peeves, but one example of this is the way they hang up their bath towels after a shower.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a "woman of the house" thing, but I prefer wet towels to be neatly hung so that they have a chance to dry out properly before the next use. It's a fact that if towels are hung on a rod in a bunched-up manner, they will take a very long time to dry, if they get dry at all. Now, I'm no Heloise or Martha Stewart, but I do know that damp fabrics tend to sour over time. I know it's not the end of civilization as we know it, but it's icky and sloppy in my book.

The point is, it really bothered me when the kids didn't take the time to hang their towels neatly. I'm sure I've fussed with them about this in the past, but I've since learned to pick my battles. Now I just fix it myself. But then one day, when the kids weren't around, I noticed that my husband had left his towel hung half-heartedly on the rod. Now, I'm positive that he's been doing that for at least as long as I've known him, but this was the first time I really noticed.

It suddenly dawned on me that I was not being fair to the kids. They were sloppy and bothersome because they didn't do things the way I do, but it never bothered me when my husband behaved the same way. I realize that some women would read their husbands the riot act over something as trivial as wet towels hung improperly (or dirty laundry in the wrong place, or crumbs on the counter after making a sandwich), but that's not my style.

As the Christian wife of a Christian man, I am duly submitted to him and I recognize his authority over me. Therefore, it is not my place to scold my husband for what I might consider a minor annoyance. He is the head of the household and I don't mind tidying up after him if needed. (Note to Women's Lib-ers: I don't need to be liberated from male oppression and please don't send hate mail!)But if it's ok for my husband to do something, why should it be wrong for his kids to do the same thing?

I just want to encourage other stepmoms to recognize those situations that create double-standards in your homes. If your husband is doing something you dislike, discuss it with him. If his kids do the same thing, discuss it with him. Together you will be able to address the problem without you becoming the proverbial wicked stepmother.

Technology: A Blessing in Disguise?

One thing I've learned in my stepmom journey is that being involved with other people's children is a great way to determine how you would raise your own. Since I haven't got any of my own at this time, I can only say how I think I would handle certain things. For instance, I don't think I would spend the money for my adolescent child to have a cell phone or an ipod. Ok, so maybe I would concede to some sort of mp3 player (after all, I had a walkman back in the day), but it would likely be an inexpensive one and my child would have to work to earn money for itunes downloads.

As much as I would like to go on a rant about why kids shouldn't have cell phones, I won't. I'll save that for another blog. I will say, however, that it is bothersome to be with my stepdaughter who isn't really with us because she is absorbed by the multiple conversations going on via text messaging. In my opinion, that's just rude. But I didn't buy her the phone and I'm not her mother, so I'm somewhat limited in my jurisdiction over such matters.

Another thing about texting is the language shortcuts. I've been known to use abbreviations and questionable grammer in order to save character space, but I always try to make sure the message is clear. Not everyone does that. Communicating with stepkids and their "real mom" can be tricky enough, but it gets even worse when you receive an unclear text. Also, texting only provides words, so you lose bits of the message that would normally be transmitted via tone of voice and body language.

But for all of the downfalls, it occurs to me that there are some redeeming factors favoring technology. When my stepdaughter is consumed by her cell phone or plugged into her ipod, we are less likely to converse. Normally, I would say that that's a bad thing, but these days, our conversations don't seem very pleasant or productive.
Being a teenager is tough enough, but struggling with all of the difficulties of steprelationships must make her life much more complicated than I could ever understand. Every conversation is laden with meaning and emotions that neither of us quite knows how to adequately express. I confess that not conversing seems better than inadvertently starting a futile argument.

As for the unclear text messages, I suppose I'd rather muddle through that than to have to actually speak to "the ex" everytime we must communicate regarding the kids. Texting makes one conserve words and ironically, the fact that her texts can not be clarified by tone of voice or body language is the very thing that makes texting the better choice. Given the very nature of the stepmom/ex relationship, communication is often strained and civil at best. Having to hear her voice often invites missinterpretation and unintended meaning to an otherwise mundane exchange.

I guess the bottom line is that there is something good in just about everything if you look at it in the right light. Step relationships are tough no matter what the sitcoms try to sell us. It's good to hope for the best, but it's more realistic to simply try to avoid the worst when it comes to navigating such rough seas. Be careful out there!

Vacation Time

Happy Summer Everyone! Ok, so I know that summer doesn't officially begin until June 21, but Memorial Day is widely regarded as the kick-off to summer vacation,so here we are. This week is the last week of school for my stepkids and we will be heading to the East Coast next week.

This trip is actually my family reunion (for my mother's side), and it will be the first "big" trip since both the kids became teenagers. Pray for us all!! Hahaha... But seriously, I'm sure it will be a bit different from the last trip back east that we took when the kids were about 5 & 6 years old. They didn't have cell phones, ipods, or "attitudes" back then. Ahhhh...the good ol' days:)

Nevertheless, I'm really looking forward to our vacation. One reason for my positive outlook is the knowledge that I do not have unrealistic expectations. The trips we took when the kids were little demanded togetherness. They needed our help doing basic things and they didn't think I was "meddling" or lecturing if I assisted or gave instructions.

It's obvious now, however, that my stepkids are more independent and likely to prefer setting their own agendas. And although my inner-mommy mourns the loss of opportunity to nurture, I realize that I have the freedom to enjoy more R&R, as well as quality chit-chat time with relatives I don't get to see very often.

I am also looking forward to seeing my husband enjoy some quality-time with the kids. He and I get a healthy dose of "couple-time", but it isn't very often that he gets more than 24 hours with them during their visits. And when you factor in sleep, meals, TV, and all the time they spend texting their friends, it's actually much less. I sincerely hope that the three of them make good use of this beach vacation.

I know I'm going to!!

Getting Help

Being a step-mom can be a really tough gig. Sometimes, it's easy to think that you are the only one going through all of this crap. But that's not true. There are many of us out there fighting the same battles and crying the same tears.

I recently found comfort in a book titled, "Step Motherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked" by Cherie Burns. The irony here is that it was my step-daughter who found it and pointed it out to me in the bookstore. Go figure!

Anyway, from the get-go, I realized this book was going to be a great source of wisdom and reassurance for me. I had a feeling that hearing the stories of other women in my position would somehow help, but I had no idea just how much. I know now that I must seek out other resources and support groups.

It seems that no matter how wonderful your husband is, and no matter how much your mother (or sister, or best friend, or counselor, or pastor...) cares about you, no one can sympathize with your plight like another step-mom. There are just too many factors in play that somehow combine to create situations that seem to defy the very balance of nature.

Ok, so that might sound a little dramatic, but I'll just bet there are some of you out there who know exactly what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm getting help. And if you aren't, I suggest you do so ASAP!! Especially if your step-kids are still a big part of your lives.

Time Flies!

Hello again to whoever may be out there reading this...

I know it's been a while since my last post. No excuses, just didn't keep up with it, but I was reminded of this while joining another online group.

So my step-son is now 15 and finishing his freshman year in high school. My step-daughter is 14, recently got her braces off, and will be glad to be a freshman next year.

It's so hard to believe that they were only 4 & 5 years old when I met their father. A year later, we became a "blended family". Just last week, it occurred to me that, from their perspective, I may be simply "Dad's wife" or their on-call taxi service (when no one else is available). Sometimes, they probably think of me more as "that lady who lectures us every time we go to Dad's house." On the flip-side, the two of them seem to have no idea how important they are to me.

Since I don't have any "biological" children yet, all of my motherly instinct is directed toward them whenever they're with us. And on top of that, I'm somewhat of a teacher at heart. I was never cool in my younger days and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never be "the life of the party". So it's easy to see why I'm not exactly the kids' favorite person to be around. This seems to be just one more challenge in our relationship.

Being a part-time step-parent means having to deal with children who spend most of their time in an evironment that is very different from your home (or up-bringing, or parenting style). Such is the case with us. It's like we speak a different language and we most certainly have different rules and expectations. Making the transition from "Mom's house" to our house is not easy for any of us.

On the bright side, I've learned not to take things too personally. I have a tendancy to wear my emotions on my proverbial sleeve, so this has been a great improvement. Whenever the kids fail to acknowledge something good about me, or they forget my birthday, or they don't wish me a "happy (step-)mother's day", it still hurts my feelings a bit, but it doesn't dig as deep as it used to.

Another thing I've learned is that I can control how I react to their actions toward me. This is a work in progress, but I'm determined to avoid the victim mentality when they say or do something that really bothers me but may not be a big deal to them.

Am I the only one out there having these issues? It would be nice to know that I'm not alone:)